Zack's Anger Diary: Water Is Stupid



Dear Diary …


I don’t care what science says … water is stupid.


“Oh but it’s the building block of life and you need it to live”


Yeah yeah yeah … I know, but it’s still stupid.


Hate water!


Because here it is, being the building block of life and everything, and then it’s always trying to destroy us and ruin our day at the same time.


If you’re someone who owns a house, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Pretty much all the problems you encounter have something to do with water.


Toilet don’t work. Water.


Ice maker is broken. Water.


Water heater leaking. It's in the name ... Water!


Leaking. That’s the worst. My air conditioning unit is in the attic of my house, and over the weekend I look up … Hey! There’s a bunch of water dripping out of the ceiling! Hooray!


And what drives me crazy is all it took was one random morning and now there’s this big gigantic brown stain of sadness all over the ceiling that makes it look like my house has been rotting since the day “The Wizard of Oz” was released in theaters. So now I gotta paint … which might be the only thing dumber than water.


Hate that brown ring of shame. And I love how we’re all SOOO judgemental about that stain. You go looking at houses for sale and you see anything like that and you’re all, “Oooh … looks like this house has some water damage.”


UHHHH … EVERY HOUSE HAS HAD SOME WATER DAMAGE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!


I guarantee you the person saying that is currently living in a house with water damage that they’re gonna try to hide from the next person who buys it.


And don’t even get me started about the torrential thunderstorms that start kicking up this time of year and what they mean for the basements of the world.


If you ever hear somebody say, “Oh I just love when we have big thunderstorms. It’s so soothing!”


That’s a person who lives in an apartment, cuz there ain’t nothing soothing about hoping that you’re sump pump doesn’t pick today to die in the corner. Or God forbid the power go out in this storm, cuz now you’re gonna play “water bucket fill-a-thon” until it comes back.


And let me just make an editorial comment about the stupid mail I get from the water company … and the electrical company too … about how I should give them extra money every month because I “own” the equipment that’s on my property and it’s no doubt outdated and falling apart and planning to crap out at any minute.


It’s funny how their definition of “ownership” and mine are totally different. Like … for example … I own my couch. So if I move, I take couch with me.


But I can’t take my electrical box with me, now can I?


But I thought I owned it?


Oh that’s right … I only own the privilege of PAYING for it when it’s broken. Fantastic!


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye