Zack's Anger Diary: Thin Crust Pizza is Stupid

Dear Diary …

Let’s just get right to the point and put this debate to bed once and for all … Thin crust pizza is stupid and doesn’t count as real pizza. And I don’t know why this is even a debate, but some people refuse to accept reality and keep ordering this trash.

And I’m not gonna make a lot of friends when I say this next thing … but that’s OK … I don’t really want any more friends anyway (may even be cool with dropping a few of the friends I have). This feels like a woman thing to me.

Ladies … I got all the respect in the world for ya. You’re strong and powerful and beautiful and awesome … so for the love of God would you stop ordering thin crust pizza!!! That’s gotta be what keeps it on the menu, because I’ve never been with a group of dudes who are ordering pizza and had anyone say … “Make sure we get a thin crust pizza!”

This is why I gotta be in charge of ordering the pizza in my house. Last time my wife did it … thin crust. And ONLY thin crust … so I didn’t have any “real pizza plan B” to go to instead.

And here’s the thing ladies … you’re being duped. You’re getting tricked into thinking that thin crust pizza is somehow “healthier” or “not as bad for you” as regular pizza because the crust is thinner. Well it ain’t! I just looked it up … a serving of regular cheese pizza at Domino’s is 200 calories. A serving of thin crust? 310 calories!

Wait … you hear that? That’s everybody’s brain exploding because I just blew your mind.

And not only does it have more calories … it’s also thin and stupid … so we all end up eating twice as much pizza to try to get full. So NOW how do you feel about thin crust pizza? Cuz you know how I feel? Fatter!

I mean for as think deep dish pizza is just excessive and heavy and gross … at least it embraces what it is and tries to give you ALL the pizza. Thin crust pizza sits over here all full of lies and deception. Really … thin crust pizza is like a man. Fills you with all these empty promises and claims, tricks you into thinking he’s a good idea, and then leaves you in way worse shape then when you first met.

Don’t let that loser man in your life anymore! You’re better than that! REGULAR pizza is better than that. Just order it the way God intended and enjoy a slice. You deserve it. We all deserve it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.