Zack's Anger Diary: The Story of Noah's Ark



Dear Diary …


I guess sometimes in order to understand the present, we must look back at the past. So let’s look back. WAY back. Remember the … like … you know … Bible? Yeah … like I said … we goin’ WAY back.


So in the Bible, there was this dude Noah. Everybody knows the story of Noah. God tells him he’s gotta build a big ol’ boat and grab two of everything and throw it on the boat. So Noah does what God says, saves all the animals and becomes an inspiration to children everywhere in present times.


OK … I know what you’re thinking … “That seems like a little bit of a jump to go 2,000 years into the future and say he’s inspiring children today. What do you even mean by that?”


Well ... I’ll tell you what I mean by that … clearly he’s inspired kids today. And definitely MY kids today. And not with the whole “hey listen to what God tells you to do” angle, but more in the “make sure you have two of everything” angle.


Because that’s what they do. If there’s an open box of Cheezits … definitely make sure to not notice, and open a second box instead. My whole dang pantry is a tribute to Noah’s Ark … cuz we got two of everything open in there.


“Oh I didn’t see it!”


You didn’t see the box of Cheezits … right next to the other box of Cheezits?


And since the answer is “no,” I have to assume all logic is thrown out the door and it is simply Divine Intervention and the story of Noah’s Ark still having an impact today.


So … Diary … while I’m talking about pain and suffering. I mean … I was talking about the Bible. Have you read that thing? It’s got a LOT of chapters where some bad stuff goes down. Who lot of smotin’ and sinnin’ and warrin’


Anyway … I’ve learned that the single most painful question I can ask my son is … “Can you brush your teeth please?”


Sounds like an easy enough request. Heck … It sounds like a downright pleasant request since I’m asking you to fill your mouth with cleanliness and minty freshness. But what’s the response every time?


“Ugghhhhhhhh … OKKKAAAYYYYY”


You would’ve thought I had said … “Hey boy … please throw a bunch of needles in your mouth and swish them around for a while.”


See … this is why most kids have breath that smells like hot garbage … cuz they don’t wanna listen to even the most simplest requests.


I tell people this all the time if they’re about to start having kids … be prepared to have a life form that you are in charge or who’s number one goal is to kill themselves and your number one goal will be to make sure they don’t.


Think about it. That’s all they do. Babies try to fling themselves down the stairs. Toddlers try to fall down a well. And even when they’re older all they wanna do is drink Sprite for breakfast and stare at their phone 23 and a half hours a day. Then they get a license and try to drive 100 miles and hour while not paying attention the road. And then they ask you to go on trips to Mexico with just their friends “cuz I’m old enough to go on my own.”


It’s a wonder any of them make it 18 really.


Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye