Zack's Anger Diary: The Reality of Virtual Reality



Dear Diary …


While nobody can predict the future, I do think sometimes you can look at trends and patterns to get a good idea of what is going to happen. Oh who am I kidding? Just look at what rich people are doing and where they’re putting their money … THAT’S how you’re gonna be able to predict the future.


So when I put my “rich people glasses” on I can see that billions and billions of dollars are being invested into a completely different world that will exist in virtual reality. Do I love it? Not really. There’s a pretty good chance it’s going to turn us all into a bunch of helmet-wearing cyborgs that never actually interact in real life, but it also has plenty of amazing potential to change our lives for the better.


And I can say this without a shadow of a doubt … one of those amazing and innovative ways is definitely NOT Gorilla Tag. If you are unfamiliar with Gorilla Tag, it is a game for the Oculus VR headset that is the single biggest scourge on humanity. It’s basically a little world where all the players are gorillas and they’re playing tag … so yeah … Gorilla Tag. And while that name makes total sense in its simplicity, it really is the wrong name for this game, because really what it should be called is “Drive Parents Crazy and Eventually Cost Them Money.”


Why? Because every kid playing is like my kid … crazily swinging his arms all over the place since he’s running around this virtual world like he’s a gorilla. And while I appreciate the fact that he’s actually getting some form of exercise, I don’t appreciate the fact that he has now launched his handheld controls against the wall of my living room on multiple occasions, causing pieces and batteries to fly all over the place.


And you know what happens next with kids … Hey you need to be more careful …


“I KNOW!”


No. You don’t know. Because one of these times your controller is going to smash into bits and be broken.


“NO IT WON’T!”


And you can threaten till you’re blue in the face that if it’s broken it’s not getting repaired or replaced, but you know that never sinks in. Ain’t no kid on the planet that plans one second into their future. All they care about is whatever they can do right in that current instant. (I mean … we do say “live in the moment” all the time, so I guess they have that one figured out.)


Oh and “Drive Parents Crazy and Eventually Cost Them Money” is only one of the potential new names for Gorilla Tag. I’d also like to suggest “Go to the Hospital” because I’ve watched my kid bang his wrists against the living room furniture over and over again to the point that he’s had to lay down on the ground and take a few deep breaths to recover. So I can only imagine that a trip to urgent care is an inevitable part of my future.


That’s the kicker with this stupid virtual reality … they want you to have this gigantic perimeter of free space to be able to play with. I mean sure … Kanye West’s house has big goofy rooms with no furniture in it, but what normal human house has that kind of space? Especially close to a television that people actually use.


So yes my friends … this is our future … being injured while pretending to be fun-loving gorillas and have our Sith Lords Bezos, Musk, and Zuckerberg controlling our every move. So for those of you out there who live out in the boonies, can I just ask … Got any land off the grid I can buy?


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.