Zack's Anger Diary: The Perfect Gift



Dear Diary …


As we approach Christmas, can we at least just come together and agree on one thing … that not everything makes “a great gift?” Yes … every person is different and likes different things, but at some point we gotta draw a line here.


“Makes a great stocking stuffer!” … We’re at the gas station! Nothing in here counts as a good Christmas gift. And even if you try to argue any individual item … I just ask you this question … if you tell your wife “Honey … I got this at a gas station” … Stop right there. Cuz in her eyes … it ain’t a gift.

Don’t get me wrong … I like free mulch as much as the next guy. But it still ain’t a good Christmas present.


And while we’re talking Christmas … can we just point out how ridiculous some Christmas songs truly are? And this is coming from a guy who LOVES Christmas music, but when I hear the classic song “Do You Hear What I Hear” and they say …


A child, a child

Shivers in the cold

Let us bring him silver and gold


Umm … hmmm … I mean I do like precious metals … but how about we bring him blankets?


Awww … look at the shivering cold baby You know what he needs? Silver!


Or what about the biggest offender … “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” … specifically the Jackson Five version. And here’s why … I’m worried about Santa y’all. Cuz little Michael sneaks downstairs and sees what’s going on and says, “I’m gonna tell my Dad!”


MICHAEL … NOOOOO!!!!!


Your Dad is mean!!! He’s gonna try to do very bad things to Santa! Don’t say nothin!


And can we all just agree that “Santa Baby” is the worst Christmas song ever written? What a terrible, materialistic wench of a woman!


First of all … she asks for a yacht. Do you even know anyone who owns a yacht? I mean I got a buddy with a pontoon on Smith Mountain Lake, but that’s about it. And not only that, she says “it’s not a lot.” Not a lot?? It’s a yacht!


And THEN she asks for a deed to a platinum mine. Oh great! Not just jewelry, but somehow I have to fly to Africa and pretend I’m in the movie “Blood Diamond” to try to secure an entire deed.


Oh and THEN … she says she wants a duplex. So she’s already got a yacht, an African mine, and still she feels the need to become a rental property owner?? And who do you think is going to have to answer any of the maintenance calls? Not her!


Oh but let’s not forget … THEN she also throws in a ring. OK look … I’m all for equal rights here … but this is a two way street ma’am … you’re gonna have to throw in some stuff on your end cuz Santa’s already married and he’s gonna get in big trouble if he gets you all these things. Good lord!


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.