Zack's Anger Diary: The End of Daylight



Dear Diary …


I know how you’re feeling right now. Terrible! Of course you are … we all are. And it’s because we continue to allow ourselves to be controlled by some silly rule about Daylight Saving Time. Or Daylight Savings Time. Or whatever it is. You see! You see how stupid it is? We don’t even know what to call it.


Here’s a history lesson for you … there was once a guy named George who liked collecting bugs during his free time after work, and he wanted there to be more sunlight so he could collect more bugs. So George wrote a paper and sent it to the government, and the government said “Ok George, we’ll change the time an hour for you so you can collect more bugs.”


And that … my friends … is how Daylight Saving Time started.


Seriously.


Some guy who liked bugs asked if we would change the clocks. So we did.


This. This is the rule we still live by because “bug man” wanted it so.


So you see right there how ridiculous the whole thing is … so today is a fantastic day to simply … leave it alone. We just “Springed forward” … now it’s lighter later … and we can just never do this again.


Never again will you have to feel like hammered snot for a week. Never again will you have to try to figure out how to reset that weird clock on the microwave. Never again. Makes total sense.


But here’s the problem … some of y’all are going to complain. Why? Cuz that’s what you do. I’m pretty sure you just like complaining because you seem to be perfectly fine until somebody tries to mess with something you didn’t even care about, and now suddenly you care SO MUCH!


They stopped publishing a bunch of Dr. Seuss books nobody had ever even heard of, and then suddenly we all went insane. “They can’t cancel those books!”


OK … which ones were they again? “I don’t know … but I’m angry anyway!” And who do you think had the last laugh here? Dr. Suess! They cut some sucky books from their roster, and then everybody bought the heck out of the other ones as some sort of protest. Welp … you showed them!


Then you got mad because they changed the brand name of Mr. Potato Head to “Potato Head.” “They can’t cancel Mr. Potato Head!!”


First of all … it’s a toy from like 1950 that nobody over the age of one even cares about.


Second … it’s a potato. There ain’t no Mr. Potato or Mrs. Potato. It’s a potato. When’s the last time you ordered “boy french fries” when you went to McDonald’s? And does that mean a Chick Fil-A waffle fry is a girl? I don’t know … you tell me since the sex of yo’ potatoes is so vital to your everyday life.


So yeah … I’m sure we could stop Daylight Saving Time, but then you’ll get all “They can’t cancel the time change!!! It’s the way we’ve always done it!”


You know what else we used to do all the time back in the day? Duels.


But eventually we realized … we didn’t really need to do duels anymore. So tell me then why it makes sense that twice a year we decide to have a big shootout at the OK-Corral for old time’s sake?


Ain’t a human out there that enjoys a 4pm sunset … so let’s just stop messin’ with the clocks right now and never do it again.


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.