Zack's Anger Diary: Textolepsy and Laughititis

Dear Diary …

As you’ve probably noticed … health and wellness of the population has kinda been a big deal lately. And if you hadn’t noticed … um … can I have a couple sips of that ignorance juice you been drinkin’? Cuz I don’t wanna notice no more either.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that there ain’t no truer term on Earth than “ignorance is bliss.” People get all mad if you call them stupid … “I’m not stupid! I’m smart! How dare you say that to me!!” Why you mad, bro?

I am smart. And I hate it. You know what happens when you’re smart? You think too much and you notice everything. It’s awful! Plus … people expect stuff from you … like to do work and take care of responsibilities. Nobody ever does that when you’re an idiot. So just sit there and be happy that you have all this free time and very little responsibility.

Anyway … I’m gettin’ sidetracked. You see! Too much brain stuff. Gets me all distracted!! So what I want to say is that with this emphasis on public health and wellness … I need to bring to light two previously undiagnosed medical conditions.

The first is called Textolepsy. Now you’ve probably heard of narcolepsy … that’s the thing where people just randomly fall asleep. Well textolepsy is very similar, but it’s when you are having a seemingly normal conversation with someone on text. You text them … they text you back … back and forth … until you get to a point where you ask them a question that requires an answer … and suddenly the textoleptic has gone into some kind of coma and completely disappears.

And don’t you play dumb with me or lie and act like you got busy all of a sudden because you immediately respond to every text until I say … so … we good for Tuesday?

And then … [crickets]

And I see you! I see you still liking stuff on your Instagram, so don’t be giving me no “Oh I just didn’t have my phone with me.”

I also believe that textolepsy comes with a level of short term memory loss, because when the textoleptic finally does return to the conversation, they still never answer the question or even act like they remember being asked anything. So clearly what we have here is a medical condition!

Here’s another one … Laughatitis.

These are the people who will be in another room … my wife is a sufferer of laughatitis … and all of a sudden you hear them [laughing] … Laughin’ out loud all by themselves.

And when I ask … What are you laughin’ at?

“Oh nothing. Just something on my phone.”

What the heck man? Why you all laughin’ out loud and calling attention to it, but then when I ask … “Oh nothin’”

It’s fine if you’re just keeping something to yourself, but then don’t be makin’ noises!!! Sometimes I see something that’s funny, but if I don’t wanna share, I just don’t make noise.

People with laughatits also have a side effect that causes them to initiate conversations that they don’t actually want to have.

They do things like look on their phone and go … “Oh that’s interesting.”


What? What’s interesting?

“Oh nothin’”

If you don’t wanna talk, fine! But then … DON’T TALK!!! Congratulations … you saw something on the internet. Either share it … or be quiet!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye