Zack's Anger Diary: Not Speedy Delivery



Dear Diary …


You know how they say “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” Now I will agree … that’s a situation I don’t wanna be in where scorned lady is mad at me, but I’ll take it over another experience. Because the true phrase of misery should be, “hell hath no fury like a child who is expecting a package in the mail and it hasn’t arrived yet.”


You wanna talk about agony!! And not for them and their impatient little brains, for YOU while you have to deal with the constant … “It’s not here yet … when is going to get here?”


I DO NOT CONTROL THE UPS DELIVERY SCHEDULE!!!


“Yeah, but it says it will be delivered today.”


OK well it’s 2pm … so today is not over yet.


“Well what time will it be here?”


I am not the wizard of package tracking!!!! I don't know. Don't ask!


Man … don’t you miss the good ol’ days of when you were actually excited for mail? When I was a kid … oh there was no greater joy than an envelope with your name on it. You saw that mailman comin' and you were excited.


Now? I want him off my property because anything with your name on it is either a bill or a coupon for new gutters. Hooray!


There’s so many differences between being a kid and being an adult. Like … if I’m eating a meal, and I say “oooof … man … I am STUFFED.” You know what that means? It means I am stuffed and I don’t need any more food.


But last night when my son pushes his plate away and says, “Man I’m stuffed,” the next step is to the freezer to get himself a BIIIIIG bowl of ice cream.


I thought you said you were stuffed?


“Yeah but this is dessert.”


I don’t care if it’s dessert … and I really don’t even mind if you eat it, but don’t lie to me like I’m some kind of dodo that actually believes you when you say you’re full. I’m quite certain, so kid under the age of 12 has ever correctly used the phrase “I’m full" in the history of time. Because what they actually mean is “I don’t want to eat any more of this healthier food you’re trying to give me … I want brownies now.


So just say that … at least that way I don’t feel like you’re trying to dupe me as the oblivious parent who falls for your line of deception. Just say that you want dessert!


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.