Zack's Anger Diary: I'm a Big Jerk



Dear Diary …


I’m a realistic guy. I got eyes and ears. I see what goes on around me. So I get it … I’m kind of a jerk. It’s OK … I can handle it. But … I would like to make it abundantly clear … it’s your fault. You make me be this way. I’m not a jerk by nature, you just think I am because of the things you do. Or actually … because of the things you DON’T do.


Diary … I think I spend 10% of my existence doing the things I’m supposed to be doing, and then the other 90% is spent hounding other people to do the things THEY’RE supposed to be doing but refuse to actually do on their own. This is why you think I’m a jerk, because I’m the one constantly bugging you to actually do the things you should already be doing.


And I can’t really get into super detailed specifics because if I give you some kind of story, then somebody at work or at home is gonna get all butthurt about it.


“That’s mean … you’re a jerk!”


No … I’m just the guy who’s trying to get you to actually take care of your responsibilities. Trust me … I don’t wanna email you five times to ask you if you’ve done your job yet, but I end up having to do exactly that because if I don’t, YOU WILL NEVER DO IT.


“Oh sorry … I was just so busy.”


Bullpucky! Nobody’s actually busy. And I include myself in that. Because even when I think, “Man I’m busy,” I also manage to squeeze in 45 minutes of Candy Crush at some point in that day. So yeah … there’s time. You just don’t WANNA do it.


Look … I get it … doin’ stuff sucks. I’d much rather do nothing too, but I put my big boy pants on and get the job done. “Hey man, whatever you need. Just let me know.”


No! What I need is you to just do it without me “letting you know.” Who “let’s me know” in the first place? Nobody. So why is it on me to be your babysitter or personal assistant or whatever? Just do it!

See? See how jerky I sound? I don’t wanna be that guy. But you make me that guy!


OK … moving on Diary … I try not to get too caught up in driving-related stuff in the Anger Diary because then I’m just trapped down a rabbit hole of stupidity and I could rant about it for a year and a half. But there’s one type of person I simply don’t understand … and I’m talking about you Captain Slow Turner.


Captain Slow Turner is the same every time … they go toolin’ down the road and decide they need to make a turn, and then they … sloooooowly … graduallllllly …. Carefulllllly … turn.


What is going on with these people?


There can’t POSSIBLY be that many people on the roads driving with a three-tiered wedding cake in the passenger’s seat, but that’s what every Captain Slow Turner looks like when they’re on the road.


Are you scared? Are you sleepy? Or do you just like taking forever to do stuff?


I don’t understand you!!! Explain yourself!!! But that’s the problem … there’s not a human alive that will admit they are Captain Slow Turner. Just like Mr. Left Lane Slow Driver … nobody will ever actually say they’re the one who does it. So even though they’re everywhere … they’re nowhere … and we’ll never get an answer.


Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.