Zack's Anger Diary: How To Lose Money

Dear Diary …

Everywhere you look, there’s advice on “How to Save Money” … “How to Boost Your Savings” … blah blah blah. So I won’t bother with that. You can go find those articles on your own. Instead … I’m give you advice on how to lose money.

I don’t recommend you actually follow this advice (unless you’re just some super rich weirdo looking to blow thru your fortune). I just figure that since I can’t give you any good tips on saving money … since I myself can’t seem to do it … you can maybe just do the opposite of my advice and it’ll save you some pennies or something.

The single easiest way to lose money is pretty simple … have children. And while that’s an obvious answer because … well … you’re paying for a whole other life form … it goes deeper than that. I’m not talking about the big ticket things like food, diapers, college, weddings, and a place to live … you can still overcome those and save money. I’m talking about the little ways that children will bleed you dry.

For example … take them to a store. Any store. Doesn’t even matter what they sell. Doesn’t even have to be something you think kids are interested in. If it’s a store selling stuff, your kids will figure out a way to want something in that store. Shoot … I bet you could go to a cabinet store and a crafty kid would at least figure out that they sold candy bars at the register.

I took my daughter to the convenience store the other day for a snack. Look … I was having a weak moment as a parent … she was being a good kid and I was feeling all … like … loving and stuff. So I let her pick out a snack. $10 dollars later.

$10 dollars later!?!?

That ain’t a snack! That’s a meal! Or like a share of stock in a company or something.

And don’t even get me started on if you’re dumb enough to take a kid to one of those candy stores. Good lord … you could spend a college tuition on a half dozen circus peanuts and some gummy worms!

And just so you don’t feel like I’m blindly name calling you … I too am stupid enough to go to one of those candy stores. Went to one last week on vacation. The kids found this wacky Japanese drink they claim is “totally awesome.” So I buy them a 6-pack.

No clue how much it was until I get to the register. $17!!!

My wife says, “Wow that’s like a 6 pack of beer.”

Uhhh … no … it’s like a case of beer. And wacky Japanese soda juice thingie doesn’t even get you drunk. But hey … it’s got a weird marble in the bottom that doesn’t actually do anything other than make the drink cost $17.

God I’m stupid. Why do I keep trying to come up with smart ways to make money? I need to come up with DUMB ways to make money.

Here’s another helpful tip if you’re looking to lose money with children … buy foods that they like to eat. I know what you’re thinking … “But these are foods that they like ... So aren’t they going to eat them?”

Ahhh … you would think that … but I’ve learned something with children … If there’s a food that they like … and you buy one of them … they will immediately eat it all and force you to go back to the store and get more.

But if you buy five of those items or a really big box because it’s on sale … the children will immediately not like that food anymore.

And if you need further proof … just come enjoy one of the five containers of mint chocolate chip yogurt that are sitting in my stupid refrigerator right now. Daughter eats them every stinking day when I buy one or two … but the minute they were on sale and I bought five?

“I don’t really like those anymore”

Great! Because you know who does like those? Nobody! Because they are mint chocolate chip yogurt and that’s gross!!!

There … hope you enjoyed my anti-finance tips by Zack Jackson. Go do the opposite and you should be rich in no time.

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye