Zack's Anger Diary: Hiking Wants to Kill You

Dear Diary …

Lately I‘ve been trying to do some new things … and many of them have been “outdoor things” … camping … hiking … stuff like that. And in theory, it’s all great.

“Yay … nature! It’s all, like, nature-y and stuff.”

But I have one big question … and it specifically deals with hiking. And that question is … why is hiking trying to kill us?

I mean … call me crazy, but I would think having hikers die would be bad for business, wouldn’t it? Tough to sell fancy hiking boots if they come with the slogan, “You might die” written on the side of the box.

And you may be thinking to yourself … that’s not their plan … they want everybody to be safe and have fun and be hugging trees and stuff, but I tell you this … every hike I’ve ever been on has had just a whiff of “Good luck … don’t die!”

And the reason I say this is because every single time I go traipsing down the ol’ hiking trail, there is a eventually a fork in the road, and the sign says … um … sign … where is the sign? I tell you where the sign is … NOWHERE!!!

SOMETIMES there’s a sign. A lot of times there’s a sign. But at least once on the hike … ain’t no sign.

Two trails. Both looking equally cleared yet not cleared and safe yet dangerous. So which way do you go? Because it’s not like you can just say “oh we wanna go left,” because most trails wind to the left … right … up … then down a little … then what feels like backwards … and then back around to the left again. Ain’t no magic compass gonna help you with that.

And good luck checking a trail map on your phone because … ain’t no signal. And even the little maps at the beginning of the trail … they just have a bunch of little dots and dashes that may be actual measurements, or may just be the approximate scribblings of an 11 year old they let draw the picture back in 1962 when the sign was made.

Oh and just remember … watch out for bears!

So you tell me … that sound like somebody that wants you to live or die? Cuz I have my suspicions!

Now I have no doubt that for the MOST part they want you to live and have all this nature fun, but it’s almost like they enjoy screwing with you just a TINY bit to teach them city folk a lesson about what it means to walk in the woods with your fancy backpacks and your walkin’ sticks.

And their difficulty classifications are equally as vague. If a trail says “moderately strenuous,” what does that even mean? Moderately strenuous for me? My grandma? Bear Grylls? Those are all VERY different answers.

You know who never steers me wrong? The couch! Doesn’t steer me anywhere. Just lays there all nice and soft and comfortable with the TV right in front of it. Plenty of hiking videos on YouTube … just sayin’

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.