Dear Diary …
Hey everyone!!! How’s it going? Remember me … your old friend Zack Jackson? Yup I’m still here … and still angry … but I’m also learning so much about the world.
Did you know that people are actually awake at two o’clock in the afternoon? And awake in a way where they don’t feel like their face is melting off because they haven’t been awake since 3:30 in the morning? Amazing!
And you know what? Let’s just get this whole thing out in the open because I have BREAKING NEWS! Yup … hit the breaking news sound effect [[breaking news sound effect]]]
I … Zack Jackson … woke up at 6:30 this morning.
And I’ll be honest … I have no idea why this is breaking news, but it is, because it’s the question EVERY … SINGLE … HUMAN asks me when I see them.
“Hey … Zack … great to see you! What time did you get up this morning?”
Never in my life have I asked about another person’s bedtime or wake-up. Ok … I take that back … never in my life have I asked it about a person over the age of four. When there’s babies involved, that’s pretty much all you ever talk about …
“Well we put him down at 7, and then it takes 13 minutes with his ba-ba and then another 11 of rocking him, and then he’ll sleep for 3 hours and 14 minutes, and then he’s up for 42, then back down.”
But again … he’s one. Also … that topic is really boring.
Actually … can we all just be really honest with each other for a second? People with really little kids are the worst people on Earth to talk to.
Don’t get me wrong … they’re not bad people at all … they probably used to be fun. And there’s a decent chance they’ll be fun again some day. But right now? Man they suuuuuuck.
All they ever talk about is naptime, dirty diapers, and Cocomelon. Bo-RING! This is why they always hang out in Mom groups and play dates and stuff … because ain’t nobody else on earth that wants to listen to these things.
And let me be clear … I an FULLY aware that when I had kids that age, I also sucked. Good Lord, I think back to some of the things I would say and do, and even I hate myself.
But look at me now … all awesome again!
And to recap … so I can hopefully never have this conversation again …
Yes … I wake up at 6:30 now.
And no … your body doesn’t “get used to” waking up at 3:30 in the morning. I dunno … does your body “get used to” if somebody kicks you in the privates every morning? I bet it doesn’t! So no … I don’t just magically wake up at that God Awful time just for the heck of it.
So now we gotta find a new topic for small talk people … Cuz Uncle Zack’s bedtime is now off the table.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.