Zack's Anger Diary #586: Why DO You Exist?


Dear Diary …

Some things in this world … they make sense. They serve a purpose. They do stuff. Other things? Useless! No need for ‘em, no practical purpose, and no benefit. And yet there they are … still there … suckin’.

I mean … think of some of the products you buy at the grocery store that come in those cardboard containers that have those extra tab thingies when you open them. You know … when the little side flaps have a little hole and then other flap kinda wedges in there on both sides.

Or you know what? Let me describe it the way you actually know it … those stupid extra flaps that always rip when you try to open them up in the first place. Those things never hold together. And unless you have a master’s degree in wizardry, you have no idea the proper way how to open them. And even if you are some kind of Dumbledore in training, I can promise you that nobody else in your house knows how to do it and is going to rip them anyway. Useless!

Just have that little closin' flap in the middle. That's been perfectly fine since the beginning of time. Keep it that way.

Or what about low-fat cheese? Nobody needs low-fat cheese! It tastes terrible. So if you're on a diet, it's just the gross version of something awesome that you can't have. And if you aren't on a diet, it's just the thing you accidentally buy because you didn't pay attention to the label close enough. The whole thing is a con!

Here’s something else that’s useless … the words … “in a minute.”

Those are the worst words ever, because NEVER do we actually mean we’re going to do something in one minute. So why do we even give the illusion that we’re going to?

And when it comes to kids … forget about it … because “in a minute” usually relates to when I say, “Hey kids, time to get off your iPad” and they say “in a minute.”

Because God forbid they have to end their 247th game of Roblox for the day before the actual end!

And as we all know, for them “in a minute” means … “I’m not actually going to stop playing until you come back and tell me again to get off my device.”

And THEN … as we all know … the next time we do ask them to get off, it’s followed up with a jerky “I know!!!” Don’t you sassafras me kid ! You’re the one that made me ask again after your “in a minute” lies!

But you know what? I get ‘em back. Because they LOOOOOVE to bug me with “when’s dinner gonna be ready?”

In a minute.

Or thirty!

No get outta the kitchen and leave me alone!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

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