Zack's Anger Diary #574: Things I Don't Miss

Dear Diary …

You know what, let’s try to be positive here for a second, shall we? Right now we’re spending all our time lamenting the things we miss and can’t do. WAHHHH!!! Now don’t get me wrong, this guy wants to go to a dang restaurant and have a bunch of friends over for a cookout, but instead of thinking about that and feeling sad, I’m gonna actually touch on some of the things I DON’T miss since all of this mess went down.

First … music festivals. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Music festivals? But music festivals are awesome!” … then you have fallen into their trap. Music festivals have tricked you into thinking they are good, when they are in fact, a big steaming pile.

Look … I love live music, and I love going to concerts, but what music festivals do is take all the good things about a concert … destroy them … and leave you with just the bad things.

First and foremost they sit here and try to trick you … hey look at this … you get to see 50 different bands all at the same show! No you don’t. Because six bands are playing at the same time on six different stages that are 37 miles away from each other. Sorry if those are the six bands you like the best … good luck picking your favorite!

And speaking of your favorite, if there’s a band that you REALLY wanna see, well then you gotta stake out a spot well in advance, which means you gotta miss three other bands that you kinda wanted to see, otherwise your favorite band is gonna look like a tiny little flea circus cuz you’re gonna be so far away.

Also … since there are 247 bands playing in one day, everybody gets about 20 minutes on stage. So sure … you got to see your favorite band … for about the time it takes to eat lunch at a Chipotle. Woo hoo!

Oh and let’s not forget … you got to pay $400 for this ticket (which totally didn’t include parking), then you get to eat all your meals at the festival where a hot dog on a stick is gonna run you $14, and since it’s probably summer it’s 97 degrees and you’re out in a giant field with no shade and some sweaty guy won’t stop rubbing up against you. Yup … hooray music festivals!

Don’t fall for the trap. Buy tickets to the artists you love when it’s THEIR show, and watch these stupid festivals on YouTube. Trust me … you’ll thank me forever.

Here’s another thing I don’t miss … handshakes, hugs, and greetings in general. Now don’t get me wrong … if I see a close friend or family, I’m all about a nice handshake or a bro hug or whatever. But for our general day to day greetings … I’m totally cool with never touching each other again.

Because what always happens? You see somebody … they give you a hug … and then they’re like, “Yeah … my whole family had the stomach bug last week … it was crazy!” Oh awesome … thank you for rubbing your nasty cooties all over me BEFORE telling me this.

Here’s the simple fact … people are gross. Not all people, but too many people. Plus, you never know deep down who’s gross and who’s not. They may look all clean and cute, but then when nobody’s looking they wipe their nose on their sleeve and put their hands all over the escalators at the mall.

So yeah … I’m good with this whole new world of elbow taps or [[click click]] finger guns or whatever. Adios handshake!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

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