Zack's Anger Diary #573: Technology Ruins Everything

Dear Diary …

As you can imagine right now, one of the things I’m definitely thankful for is technology. And yes I know … we should use this time to connect with our family or books or nature or whatever it is you claim you’re doing when you’re actually on TikTok, but I’m a realist. Plus, I played poker online with my friends and won $100 over the weekend … so hooray technology!

Think about it … we have the ability to watch any show we want, read any book we want, creep on old pictures of any friend we want … all without leaving our couch. It’s amazing!

But I do have one request … would technology PLEASE stop trying to ruin absolutely every present and surprise on the face of the Earth? God! Every time I order something on Amazon for somebody else, next thing I know some smart speaker in the house is pinging … “Hey that Spiderman toy you ordered is ready for shipping.” Thank you. Surprise ruined!

And yes … I know you can turn notifications off. I turn notifications off! And yet somehow they magically seem to creep back in just randomly, which I have no doubt is the master plan of the robots to ruin everything.

And even if you try to keep up with the settings … there’s just too dang many of them. We got our daughter a new phone for her birthday. OK … Mommy got a new phone. She got the “new to HER” phone, but whatever. She’s 11. She should be lucky to have an old Blackberry.

Anyway, all I wanna do the day before is set the stupid thing up so it’s ready to use on her birthday. That way I don’t have to spend two hours on the day trying to set it up while she’s hovering over my shoulder like a little bird going, “Is it ready yet?”

But all this phone wants to do is ruin the surprise because when you set up the phone, I gotta connect it to her Apple ID, which immediately has her iPad popping up messages, “Hey we see you’re setting up a new device, want to connect this one?” No! Go away!

So now I’m trying to hide her iPad, which of course means all she’s doing is asking why I’m trying to hide her iPad. “Oh … no reason … you know … gotta do a systems upgrade or something.” Which as you can imagine, she ain’t buying it and the surprise is ruined. Thank you technology!

I get it … you’re trying to be helpful with all this stuff, but can’t it just have like a “hide all this crap” button that I can use for Christmas gifts and embarrassing purchases I don’t want my wife to see? Geez!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.