Zack's Anger Diary #556: We've All Lost Our Minds

Dear Diary …

There is a topic where we are officially out of control in this world. We have no rational thought, no common sense, and no concept of right and wrong. This topic starts with a P and ends with an S … and I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.

It’s the topic of … Paper Towels.

What? You thought I was gonna say politics? Pffft. I ain’t touchin’ than mess.

And besides … paper towels are worse man because it's all about something we messed with that didn’t need messin’ with, and now there’s no turning back.

Paper towels used to be fine. You needed one, you tore it off the roll. But then … they started this whole 1-2-3 section thing and all hell broke loose. Because now … tearing off one piece of paper towel isn't enough to do anything, but tearing off two of those pieces is may more than you needed.

“Oh it’s easy and convenient … you just pick your size!”

No it isn’t! Now we’re just using up the paper towels faster and being forced to buy more faster than before. It’s as if you started going to a restaurant and your new choices were a plate of food that was gonna make you hungry still, or one that was piled so high you’re gonna barf by the end of the meal. Nobody asked for this!

And now … things have gotten even worse. I buy paper towels the other day … go to tear off a piece, and all of sudden … this weird little square rips off. And I look, and another weird little square is still sitting on the bottom of the roll, perfectly torn. That’s right … now there’s not just perforations on the up and down way … they got one going right across the middle of the roll.

You gotta be kidding me with this!

What am I gonna do with this tiny little square of paper?

Cuz you know what it is? A napkin!

It’s the size of a napkin. It’s the usefulness of a napkin. We didn’t need to invent this. We already did. IT’S CALLED A NAPKIN!!!

Millennials … this one’s your fault. I’ll defend you when it’s not, but this time it is. Because you people stopped using napkins and said “I’ll just use paper towels instead.” So the paper towel people and got all nervous and crazy because they weren’t makin’ “napkin money” anymore. So they took your precious paper towels, and turned it into a bunch of napkins stuck together on a roll.

And you opened the floodgates … cuz it’s only gonna get worse. It’s like havin’ a threesome. Oh at first you think that’s gonna be good enough. Then its, "Ohhh ... you got one more friend that wants to come to the party." Then 5. Then 6. Then you’re in some funky motel in Florida that winds up streaming live on the internet.

The paper towel love-in has only just begun … soon they’ll just be tiny little boxes so you can … boop … dot one drip on your face. Way to go!

Till next time Diary ... I say ... Goodbye.