Anger Diary #556: I Hate Your Hydro Flask

Dear Diary …

I do believe I had one of the dumbest experiences of my entire life over the weekend, and it was all courtesy of two words … Hydro … Flask. And if you don’t know what a Hydro Flask is, it’s an overpriced water bottle that … and I have no idea which person or group or Kardashian decided this … but it's a water bottle that turns everyone under the age of 16 into a drooling zombie. Brain matter oozing out of their nose … must … have … Hydro Flask.

$35 for this stupid water bottle. $35! “Oh but it has a handle so you can attach it to your backpack!” Oh well in that case it’s a DEAL!!!

So I ended up at GoFest this weekend … which I love. I think it’s one of the best events that’s been put together in this area in the last decade. They have all sorts of great stuff … vendors, activities, bands … and … Hydro Flasks. One seemingly innocent looking tent in the corner that just has a bunch of water bottles, but then also has 900,000 people standing in line because “OH MY GOD THEY ARE GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO TRY TO WIN A HYDRO FLASK!!!!”

That’s right Diary … the legion of zombies were excited to pay $5 just for the hopes of maybe winning a cup. But not just any cup … the cup that launches them into the social stratosphere for no reason other than … well … who the heck knows.

So naturally my children want one. So we stand there … and stand there … and by “we” I mean legions of parents thinking to themselves, “What bad choices have I made in my life to end up with this cruel fate that I'm experiencing right now?”

And as I stand there I get to hear such meaningful conversations from children like, “Do you think they’ll let us pick out a color when we win?” “Oh they only have yellow?” “Hey they only have yellow!”

So I’m not gonna lie … I lost it. Kids … so help me God … I can’t stand in this line for another second. Especially since we know darn well we you’re probably gonna lose the contest anyway and then I’m gonna have two crying kids that don’t have Hydro Flasks. So I am getting you the heck out of this line and I will buy you each your own stinking Hydro Flask.

“But Zack … they’re $35”


Right now I would pay somebody $35 to hit me in the face with a Hydro Flask just so I can get out of this line. I even said to myself … I’m a grown man and I make enough money that if wanna waste it on something stupid just to stop standing in a line … well by darnit I’m gonna waste that money!

So we go barrelling toward the nearest booth that was selling them. And I know they were selling them because they had giant signs that said, “Yes we have Hydro Flasks,” which was really just code for “That’s right ya dumb parent … this is the place you’re gonna overpay for a water bottle! BAHAHAHA!!!”

And then I realized it … you know the last time I saw signs like this? “Yes we have Fidget Spinners.” That right you trendy little VSCO girls with your messy buns and your goofy water bottles. You’re just tooling around town with this year’s Fidget Spinner that'll be garbage by next year. Enjoy!

Oh and the end of this story? Like and good story about a Dad just trying to buy his way out of a parenting issue … both my kids wanted a blue Hydro Flask. And guess how many they had? One. Which is the same amount of crying children I ended up with who didn't get their Hydro Flask … which I guess is better than two … right?

[Sigh] Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.