Dear Diary …
Today I have a survival tip. And this is not “rub two sticks together to make fire,” or “how to build a hut out of a leaf and some string.” It’s a home survival tip. At least it is in my house …
That’s right. Don’t. Move. That’s how you survive.
And not from a bear attack or a burglar or something. I just mean … “the children.”
Because as long as you sit there … and don’t make a sound … and don’t move a muscle … you’re good. But the SECOND you even make a twitch of your body remotely in the direction of the kitchen …
“Hey … as long as you’re in there … can you get me a snack?”
What makes you think I’m going in there? And why are you watching me like a hawk, just waiting for me to show any sign of life so you can turn me into the butler again?
And really I can’t decide what’s worse … Getting asked the second I move my body, or then going in the kitchen, filling all of the demands, and then sitting down and hearing …
“The next time you’re in the kitchen can you…”
NO! No I cannot! OK fine … I’m sure I will because I’m a big loser … but I’m not going back in there for a while.
Fine. I’ll go do it right now.
Man I’m so not in charge of anything.
And here’s another one I love … why does nobody in the world seem to know their option, even when the options are basically the same now through the end of time?
Here’s what I’m talking about. I’ll ask the kids what they want for breakfast and they’ll say, “What is there?” Well there’s waffles, toast, and cereal.
Next day … Hey what do you want for breakfast?
“What is there?”
WAFFLES, TOAST, AND CEREAL … JUST LIKE YESTERDAY!!!!! Do I look like I’m whipping up short order cook items on some kind of menu or something?
And let’s be clear … it’s not just the children who act like this … think of all the times you’re at the McDonald’s drive thru and there’s a dodo in front of you taking forever.
“Oh I just don’t know what to get. What do they have?”
They have burgers! They have fries! They have nuggets! It’s basically the same thing they’ve always had.
And further … doesn’t everybody go to fast food because they have a specific craving in mind? At least for me it’s always, “I’m in the mood for a Doritos Loco Taco … I’m going to Taco Bell.”
Are there people out there that just say, “I’m in the mood to order food, let me just pull in here and see what happens?”
When I go to a bar with my wife … “Oh I don’t know what to get. What do they have?”
Alcohol! They have alcohol! See that big line of bottles up there on the wall? The same ones that every bar has? Those! Order those!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.