RSS Feed

Text STOP to 52353 to opt-out

Anger Diary #548: Why Ya Chewin' So Hard

August 6, 2019

 

Dear Diary …

 

To me … trust and respect are two of the most important traits of a good human being.  If you can trust and respect a person … you are good to go.  You can always rely on that person, and you know they will always make sensible decisions.  

 

Problem is … most people have no respect for others, and they’re shaaaady.  So it forces people like me to REALLY check a person out before I decide if I’m going to trust and respect them.  So I look for red flags … and not obvious red flags like “that guy’s on drugs” or “that guy orders his steak well done.”  Those are OBVIOUS ones that tell me the person is bad news.

 

I’m talking about more subtle ones that I think you can look out for.

 

For example … aggressive gum chewing.  What’s the deal with these aggressive gum chewers?  I mean … I like chewin’ gum, but I also ain’t trying to set the land speed record of nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

 

I pulled into the grocery store parking lot yesterday, and there was this guy standing there next to a car … hands in his pockets … and doing nothing except aggressively chewing gum.  I don’t know about you … but I’m not feelin’ good about this dude.  Why you chewin’ so much there, Hubba Bubba?

 

You got nowhere to be?

 

Is that even your car?

 

And if it is, why you just standing next to it … chewin’ all hard and fast?  I don't like it.

 

As I start walking into the store, Diary, you can be rest assured I’m watching this guy over my shoulder to see what his next move is.  Which all of a sudden is to just randomly start walking toward the store.

 

What’s going on here?

 

Fortunately … nothing.  But I assure you … I was watchin’.  If he started doing anything else shifty … me and Double Mint over there were gonna have a conversation.  Aggressive gum chewing.  Don’t like it.

 

Here’s another one … people who wear too many clothes on a hot day.

 

Think about it … it’s 90 degrees out.  Hot.  Humid.  And then you see some random guy on a bicycle with with long sleeves on and a knit hat.  Somethin’ definitely ain’t right here.  And yeah … you can throw “grown man on a bicycle” into the “don’t trust ‘em” category as well.  And I don't mean some mountain bike on a trail, or some speed bike on a road and a guy with some tight pants thinkin' he's Lance Armstrong.  I'm talking about "random guy on regular bicycle." Red flag!

 

And if you are that covered up on a hot day … you’re hiding something and I don’t wanna find out what it is.

 

And finally Diary … Tighty Whities.

 

I’m sorry, but they just scream man who is unsuccessful in his career, unlucky in love, and probably a pervert when nobody else is around.  I understand you might want the extra support, but get some boxer briefs or compression shorts for God’s sake. You just look pathetic in those tighty whities and nobody is excited to be around you.  

 

Trust and respect, people.  Trust and respect.

 

Till next time, Diary … I say … Goodbye.
 

 

 

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload