Anger Diary #546: You're Welcome

Dear Diary …

Let me start by saying … “You’re welcome.” You didn’t even know that you got a gift from me the other day, but you did. Right before (and right after) we had all these days of four billion degree heat, we had two days with some unexpected rain storms that no doubt saved many a lawn from it’s crusty brown fate of the heat of summer.

And you have me to thank for that … because I watered MY lawn each of those days.

Yep … check the forecast and saw the impending doom of hot and dry sadness and knew that my only chance to save my grass was to give it a long water. A loooooong … expensive … water.

And not ten minutes after I finished … the skies suddenly darkened. The wind began to whip up … almost like a horror movie when all the bad stuff is about to happen. And then the heavens opened up and dumped a big pile of rain all over the place. And almost as if Mother Nature was trying to rub it in … it happened a few more times.

So … you’re welcome.

I made that happen. Because if I didn’t water? Oh forget it. Dry … barren … earth. Bank on it. Those storms ONLY happened because I watered (and probably one other random person decided to get their car washed). We sacrificed so the rest of you could have water. So … you’re welcome!

OK … moving on Diary … speaking of the heat … boy that was a big sweaty pile of awful, wasn’t it? I hate this weather for many different reasons. First and foremost … cuz it’s HOT. And just dumb. Don’t wanna move, can’t sleep cuz nobody’s AC keeps up, and it’s just sweaty and gross.

Also … it gives every annoying person on social media the platform to say … “See … Global Warming!” And while that may or may not be the case … the real point is that YOU have no idea. You ain't taken a science class in 15 years … AND … you got a B-minus in that one anyway. So don’t act like you have any expertise beyond the one article you skimmed a couple weeks ago that had the word “warming” in the headline. Trust me ... I don't know any better in one direction or the other, but I also know that I DON'T know.

And finally … hot weather brings out my least favorite thing of them all … pictures of people’s thermometers. “Hey look … your butt crack already feels as swampy as a steaming pot of beef stew … but I’m gonna show you a picture of the temperature right now in case you forgot!”

Oh thank you! I would’ve had NO idea how hot it was had you not shown me that (even though I just watched a squirrel melt in the yard).

Is that the best you can do? Can’t you be more creative than that?

You wanna talk about how it is? Fine. But it’s time to up your game and do it in a more entertaining way.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye