Dear Diary …
I have a public service announcement to make that everyone should pay attention to. And it’ll sound completely reasonable when I tell you what it is, but it goes much deeper than what you think …
AVOID STICKY THINGS!
And yes … that sounds simple … because who in their right mind wants to have gross sticky hands? Well … I mean … who in their right mind over the age of seven wants that? Kids for some reason have no problem walking around with hands that feel like two pieces of flypaper.
But Diary ... that’s not the kind of sticky I’m talking about. Yes … you can absolutely avoid THOSE sticky things, but you need to also avoid the lies and fraudulent claims of the OTHER sticky world … the Command Strip world.
And it’s not just Command Strips that are big fat liars, but I choose them as the example because then you know exactly what I’m talking about … these lying-ass products that claim they’re gonna stick to your walls so you can hang pictures or hooks or whatever.
I don’t care what brand you have and what kind of quality claims they make … they’re all liars. I’ve tried ‘em all, and none of ‘em work. “Hey you can hang this giant picture and it’s so easy with our Command Strips.” LIES!!!
It might hold it for a little while … until it’s 3am one night and you hear a loud crash in your living room. And you think you’re gettin’ robbed and you’re sneaking downstairs in your underwear holding a golf club saying, “I’ve already called the police and I'm armed!”
Oh but fear not, Underpants Dork, there’s no intruder. Just your lousy Command Strip no longer commanding anything and letting your picture crash to the floor. Useless!
Trust me … I want these things to work. I don’t wanna be driving a bunch of nails into my wall. But you know what else happens when you drive nails in the wall? They STAY in the wall. Not these sticky bobo contraptions.
And it only gets worse … I saw some add online the other day to download this app that would let you select your Instagram pictures, and they would send them to you on these cool looking tiles, and you could simply take them out of the box, peel the little sticky tape off the back, and then stick ‘em right to your wall. Amazing! They even said you could stick ‘em and restick ‘em over and over again. Amazing! … If it wasn’t a big fat lie.
And no … I don’t own any of those things … but I don’t need to to know that they’re gonna be cheaply made, come from some wacky country where the shipping takes nine months to actually show up at your house, and then they ain’t gonna stick to nothin’ when you try to hand them on the wall.
“Hey … look … this is so neat! I put like 12 of them on my wall!”
Sure … until the next morning when four of them are on the floor and two more are already hanging sideways. Amazing!
Don’t buy into the lies, people! And really … don’t buy into the lies of pretty much every little banner ad that pops up on your Instagram or Facebook or whatever. It’s one thing if it’s for a product you’ve heard of, but if you haven’t and instead and just looks like something super neat and new and cool … yeah … it’s from China … and it’s janky.
Trust me … I know … I stupidly give in to those ads. I bought a hoodie once because it was supposed to look cool like that guy in Assassin’s Creed. “Ooooh … look at me … I’m an assassin!”
Yeah … only problem is it took four months to get to me, and when it finally arrived, it’s made out of some weird material that … is very much not breathable. So sure … you can wear this thing and it looks decent … but after about 10 minutes you’re ready pass out because your body temperature has jumped about 15 degrees and you feel like you have a fever.
Oh … and the pockets are TINY. I'm talking, "you can barely even get your hands in there" tiny. And Diary, I should’ve been suspicious when the size was listed as “Asian medium,” but stupid me bought it anyway cuz I thought it looked cool.
“I’m a tough Assassin!”
No … no I am not.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.