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Zack's Anger Diary: Your Fancy Sausage

October 23, 2018

 

Dear Diary … 

 

I never want to be that guy that turns into the stereotypical Dad that stomps around the house yelling, “You kids today … you don’t understand the value of the dolla!  You’re always wasting my money!” … That guy is lame.

 

At the same time, “You kids today … you don’t understand the value of the dolla!  You’re always wasting my money!” … Now of course the difference is I’m doing it in this segment on the radio and online … hip, cool, NEW … stereotypical Dad.  So … like … um … yeah!

 

But you know what?  I still wear my pants in the normal spot on my waistline and I still know who Post Malone is, so ain’t totally lame … but a fact is a fact, and man a family sure can plow through money sometimes, can’t they?

 

The one the always gets me is there’s always something that’s ridiculously expensive, that EVERYBODY in the family houses and just wants more, more, more!  For us, it’s these breakfast sausages.  And I know what you’re thinking, “Breakfast sausages?  Ain’t Jimmy Dean’s super cheap?”

 

Why yes … yes they are, but they don’t eat Jimmy Dean’s.  They gotta have [fancy voice] Applegate Farms organic chicken and maple sausage … and those things cost six bucks for a box.  And not a box of 300 sausages … a box of 10 … and those 10 are way closer to cocktail weenie size than they are to big ol’ sausage size.

 

So needless to say … the family plows thru a box about every four days.  “Can you get more sausage at store?”  Good lord I’m gonna need a raise just to keep the family full of sausages.

 

I mean … $6 every four days for an entire year.  That’s 91 boxes a year for $547 … in SAUSAGE!  I mean … If I bought $500 of Netflix stock 10 years ago … It would be worth $26,000, but instead … it’s SAUSAGE!!

 

Man why can’t they like the cheap stuff?  Why do they have to be all, “We want good quality and things that are better for us.”  Things were so much easier back in the day when we thought Kool-Aid had vitamins in it.

 

And you know what?  Even when the stuff is cheap, that doesn’t really matter, because then they just waste it.  My kids like to eat marshmallows sometimes for dessert.  Now marshmallows … yeah … they’re a dollar.  So I’m cool with that.  But what I am not cool with is when they open a bag of marshmallows, get their little dessert, and then the next morning what do I find sitting in the pantry?  An open bag of marshmallows … sucking in all of the air of the world and turning into hard little sugar rocks.  Thanks a lot you little jerks!

 

But they don’t care, cuz it ain’t their money.  That’s why everything they own, they break.  Cuz you’re the dummy that has to replace it.

 

Well you know what?  I am gonna hike my pants up to my nipples and waddle around complaining about this … and you can’t stop me!  Then I'm going to shout "You kids today!" ... and I’m gonna sit in my old Lazy Boy recliner … fart … and fall asleep with the news on whether you like it or not!

 

Till next time Diary ... I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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