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Zack's Anger Diary: Variety Pack Is Whack

September 25, 2018

 

Dear Diary …

 

They say “variety is the spice of life.”  Well if that is the case, then I’m here to declare that I don’t want any spices.  Now don’t get me wrong … I like variety for some stuff … different foods, different vacations, sleepin’ with random people … wait … what?  Kidding!  

 

But seriously … variety is fine for some things, but when it comes to those variety packs at the store.  I hate ‘em.  I want ‘em gone.

 

Diary … my son plays soccer.  So as any parent knows if they have a kid in an activity, you gotta take turns being on snack duty.  Cool.  No problem.

So this week we were on snack duty, and I wanna get some little bags of chips for the kids, and darnit if every single one of the packs at the store is a cursed variety pack.  This is a disaster!

 

“But why Zack?  That just means the kids have all different ones to choose from.”

 

Oh yeah?  You ever been anywhere where there just so happens to be exactly three kids that pick cool ranch Doritos, and exactly three that pick Sun Chips, and then four that pick plain potato chips?  Yeah … I didn’t think so!

 

I’ll tell you what flavor kids want … whatever flavor you don’t have enough of.  This is why children don’t get choices.  Because the minute they do, they all fight over the same three bags of Cheetos.

 

And even if there aren’t other kids involved, the variety pack is useless at home too because there’s always some flavor none of your kids ever wants.  (Plain Lays potato chips I’m looking at you.)

 

I mean … my kids want strawberry yogurt in those stupid little tubes.  Strawberry.  That’s it.  But do they sell   strawberry?  Of course not!  They packet it with something awful like strawberry-banana.  Ugh.

 

Why are we pushing banana flavored anything on people?  Nobody wants it … it’s gross … and it makes everything taste like tangy medicine.  Somebody’s gettin’ kickbacks from the Chiquita banana people for sure.

 

I don’t want variety pack anything.  Nor do I really want mixed variety anything.  Think of a jar of nuts … what do you invariably end up with?  A bunch of stupid plain peanuts and those big dumb Brazil nuts that suck all the moisture out of your mouth.  

 

How did that Brazil nut ever make the cut for mixed nut consideration in the first place?  We couldn’t find a better nut to put in there?  You know … just because something is edible, doesn’t mean we HAVE to eat it.

 

Till next time Diary .. I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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