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Zack's Anger Diary: The Two Worst Phrases In the World

August 14, 2018

 

Dear Diary …

 

When it comes to raising my kids, there are two phrases I hate more than anything else … and they are “No I won’t” and “I didn’t mean to.”  And the main reason is because each time these phrases are used by my kids, it’s at a time when they have no clue what they are talking about in the first place.

 

Here’s a recent example of both …

 

The other day my daughter was roller skating in the house.  Yes Diary … that is correct … roller skating in the house.  So as you can already see … a terrible idea thought up by a child  who has no idea what they are talking about.  But really … what are you gonna do?  I try to police them as much as I can, but that gets EXHAUSTING by the end of the day, so fine … you win … roller skate in the house.  Just listen to me on this one thing … please do not roller skate in the kitchen.  You will fall.  You will hit your head on the hard tile floor. And you will hurt yourself.

 

“No I won’t!”

 

Well I know you won’t do it on purpose, but just trust me on this, you could fall and hurt yourself.

 

“No I won’t!”

 

Diary … I’ll give you one guess what happens next.

 

“OWWWW … MY HEAD!!!!”

 

I told you.

 

And yet somehow … they never learn that I might actually know what I’m talking about.

 

Fast forward to phrase two … My son decides he would like to eat a bowl of marshmallows and chocolate syrup on the coach.

 

(Again … I told you … I’m TIRED by the end of the day … and I’ve given up.)

 

So all I ask … Diary … is that he please eat them with a spoon so he won’t spill.  But does he listen to me?  Of course not … I’m a moron!

 

So he takes a fork, and the promptly drops a bunch of sticky, gooey, chocolately marshmallows into the crevices of my couch.

 

“But I didn’t mean to!”

 

Yes … I know it was not your plan to screw up, but maybe if you were a little more careful in the first place, WE WOULDN’T BE GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

 

And as you can see … these two phrases often go hand in hand.  I give helpful advice … they say “no I won’t” … they screw up … and then they say “I didn’t mean to!”

 

Kids … I’m gonna tell you something you’re probably not going to listen to, but I’m going to tell you anyway … Your parents … GASP … occasionally know what they’re talking about.

 

You’re nine years old (Or six or 14 or whatever) … you don’t know anything.  Heck … I’m 40 and I barely feel like I know anything.  But the point is … we’ve actually lived through some things and have already bashed our heads on the kitchen floor enough times that we’re just trying to prevent you from giving yourself a concussion from doing something stupid.

 

This is gonna hurt, but you  … might need to listen to us from time to time.

 

Or just go bash your head on the kitchen floor ...but quit crying about it … your tears are annoying!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

 

 

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