Zack's Anger Diary: The Doo Doo Fly Reserves


Dear Diary …

Sometimes you have no scientific proof to back something up … but you know what? Isn’t that how new discoveries are made? We challenge the world as we know it, we do the research, and then boom … new proof!

So consider today the day that I embark on my journey to prove to the world the existence of … The Doo Doo Fly Reserves.

First … a little biology lesson. What’s a “doo doo fly,” you ask? Well my friends, it’s those big, stupid flies that always manage to find their way into your house ... Buzzin’ around and bein’ all gross ... and for the most part contributing absolutely nothing positive to the universe. You call them whatever you want … house fly, black fly, whatever … I call ‘em “doo doo flies” because that’s what they love to eat, and then they love to land all over your food and rub their yucky little fly legs together, “Mmm … gonna run some doo doo all over this potato salad.”

OK … back to my groundbreaking scientific research on The Doo Doo Fly Reserves, because I, Zack Jackson, believe that these flies strategically attack you one by one. Think about it … every time you have one of these flies in your house, you have exactly that. One. Shoots into the tiniest crevice in your door with sniper-like precision, and then proceeds to slowly and stupidly buzz around your house like it has absolutely no idea how to get back out.

Bzzz … bzzzz … bzzzz … BONK … bzzz … bzzz …. BONK

So if you’re like me, you hunt this doo doo fly down with a murderous bloodlust and … WHAM … thwack him with a dish towel and end his gross little life. Cool … problem solved!

And then …

Bzzz … bzzzz … bzzzz … BONK … bzzz … bzzz …. Bzzz

All of a sudden there’s another one. Materialized out of nowhere.

Ahhh … but not nowhere my friends. From The Doo Doo Fly Reserves.

I think they all hide there in a pile somewhere and just wait. And when you kill one of ‘em … “OK Bill … you’re up.”

Bzzzz … bzzz … THWACK!

“OK … Joe … you’re turn.”

One right after the other. Sometimes I’ll kill six or seven doo doo flies in a row. But never are there six or seven flying around my house at the same time. Just one. The rest are hiding in the reserves!

OK … now … If you don’t think my theory makes any sense (beause it probably doesn't) … I give to you an alternative … Microscopic Doo Doo Fly Mutation.

I also believe it is entirely possible, that these flies mutate so quickly, that when you kill one of them in your house, tiny microscopic bits of doo doo fly shoot off into the air and immediately grow into another brand new doo doo fly.

Ridiculous? Probably. But if we’re willing to give flat Earth people a voice in this world, I’m definitely smarter than they are, so Microscopic Doo Doo Fly Mutation isn’t entirely out of the question.

Here’s one thing I do know for a fact … If doo doo flies write little history books to use when they teach their little baby doo doo flies about the world, I’m pretty sure I’m considered their Al-Qaeda, cuz I’m really good at killin’ em. If nothing else, I’m definitely not fondly portrayed as a hero and a Founding Father to the doo doo fly community.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

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