Zack's Anger Diary: Fix Your Freakin' Shoes

Dear Diary … Ladies … I am here to save you today. Save you from having to have a difficult discussion with the men in your life. I’ll do it for you. It might hurt their feelings for a little while, but the good news is they’ll just be mad at ME. Not you. You can just play dumb and say something along the lines of … “Yeah … I mean … he said it … but actually … maybe you wanna give it a try?” That's your approach you can take.

So here it is … men … listen up … For the love of God and all that is wonderful in this world, would you please go buy yourself a second pair of shoes and stop wearing those sad sneakers all the time? Guys … I know you don’t realize it because you’re … well … guys … but women pay attention to the shoes you wear and it counts for A LOT. So when you’re walking around town, and work, and the club, and everywhere in between with your same sad pair of 1987 white New Balance sneakers, you are giving off the raw sex appeal of a virgin who still lives in his Mom’s basement. Dude … seriously … burn those shoes and start over. They’re barely good enough to be lawn mowing shoes. “Whatever … I don’t care about shoes.” That may be true, but that’s not the point. SHE cares about shoes. And you care about what SHE thinks, don’t you? You wanna see a naked lady again at some point in your life, right? Well then trust me on this and get yourself at LEAST one pair of halfway decent shoes because your current K-Mart fashion ain’t gettin’ the job done here. There you go ladies … you’re welcome. And when your man comes home and starts askin’ questions, just blame me for the whole thing. Moving on Diary … can I just ask a big picture question here … Who … on this ENTIRE planet is still watching infomercials? Now you would assume the answer is “nobody,” but if that were the case, there wouldn’t be any infomercials on TV anymore, and they are still there. So that means SOMEBODY is watching and buying this stuff. Let me give you a peek behind the scenes here at the Mornin’ Thang Broadcast Palace. We have a TV in the studio, and every morning it’s on some kind of news channel. And I hate the news. All it does is highlight everything bad in this world and make us all think things are never going to get any better. But I have no choice. Because what I WANT to do in the wmorning is watch food. People making food, talking about food, eating food. Food is the ultimate happy place, and that’s how I think everybody should start their day … happy. Here’s the problem … the Food Network … still to this day … shows INFOMERCIALS all morning instead of cooking shows. You’ve gotta be kidding me!!! That’s better programming than using actual shows with real humans? Who in their right mind is watching these things? You can watch basically any show or movie you want at any time, and you’re sitting there watching Cindy Crawford’s Beauty Secrets instead … what is wrong with you????

Stop doing that. I need those to go away. Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

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