Zack's Anger Diary: The Pickiest of Picky Eaters

Picky eaters. I just can’t.

What happened here anyway? What makes God decide he’s gonna create one human with a well-rounded palate ... who can eat and enjoy all the great foods of the world … and then the next person … chicken tender boy.

My daughter is person #1 … she’ll eat just about anything. It's great.

My son is person #2 … the most annoying palateon the planet. And he takes it one step further, because somehow he manages to have magical powers when it comes to food. And what I mean by this, Diary, is that he can declare that he doesn’t like the taste of something before he even puts it in his mouth. Yup … food never touches his lips, but somehow the Great Houdini already knows it tastes bad.

This weekend we make the kids some muffins. Now in the past when we make muffins, my son basically just eats the powdered sugar off the top and then leaves the rest of delicious muffin to waste away into the sadness of the trashcan. But this time I think I have the answer!

He says he wants cinnamon muffins, so I buy these ones that are like a cinnamon swirl … so they have the crumbly sugary awesomeness on the top that every five year old wants to eat, but also the same deliciousness is swirled in and around the entire muffin. This is perfect … Now he gets his favorite diabetes-laden part swirled all throughout the muffin!

So I pull them out of the oven and they look fantastic. OK … at least I think they look fantastic, because Mr. Stink Face tells a different story. Tappin’ his tiny little judgmental finger on the top of the muffin … “These look different than the other muffins.”

Yes … they look different because they ARE different. This has more of all the things you like. So it's different, but it's better.

“I don’t like them.”

You haven’t even tried them.

“They taste funny.”

YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TAKEN A BITE!!! How would you know they taste funny???

Picky eating is one thing … I can work with that. Jerky eating is another.

One night I can give that kid a meal and he’ll eat the whole thing. Next time I serve the exact same meal … “I don’t like this” … YOU LOVED IT THE LAST TIME I MADE IT AND IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME!!!

I think he’s just messing with me. I leave the house and he probably makes himself a giant kale salad to eat when nobody’s watching, that way when I get home he’s full and can freely screw with my head for his own torturous enjoyment.

And how dumb are we as parents where we sit here and try to get them to eat food that isn’t even that good for them? I can’t believe I now say things like “You need to eat two more bites of pizza, and then you can have dessert.”

That right son, please take two more bites of your non-nutritious dinner so I can then reward you with an equally non-nutritious dessert.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … we need to change the way we try to get information from terrorists. We don’t need to physically torture them anymore. Just force them to deal with a difficult five year old for one day and they’ll be singing to the rooftops with all the information you could possibly want.

Till next time Diary ... I say … Goodbye.