RSS Feed

Text STOP to 52353 to opt-out

Zack's Anger Diary: Zack's Guide to Throwing a Good Party

December 5, 2017

 

Dear Diary …

 

This time of year there’s a lot going on, especially when it comes to parties.  You get invited to a bunch of ‘em.  People host ‘em at their house.  It’s basically “Party Season.”

 

Here’s the problem … most people have no idea how to throw a good party, and instead you’re stuck at some lame get together with a bunch of people you may or may not even like, and you’re just sitting there trying to figure out how early you can leave without looking rude.

 

But do not panic lame party people, I have GREAT news … I’m really good at throwing parties.  So I’m gonna try to help the rest of you so you don’t have to hear things like “how nobody’s dancing?” or maybe “you guys are leaving already?”

 

Basically there are three keys to a good party.  They aren’t even that hard to pull off.  And yet people keep screwing ‘em up left and right and the result is just another boring get together at Maureen’s house.  

 

[[Side note:  There is no “Maureen’s House” … I made it up.  So don’t be sittn’ there panicking that I’m talking about your parties, Maureen.]]

 

Key number one … food.

 

You would think I wouldn’t even have to say this, since eating is pretty much the most basic human primal instinct, but I’ve been to far too many parties where “food” consists of two sad bowls of chips and a plate with a bunch of burned hot dogs on it.

 

I’m sorry, but if you’re having people at your house, you gotta feed ‘em.  And you gotta feed ‘em better than a 5 year-old’s birthday party.

 

And if you can’t cook … don’t try.  Order stuff.  

 

Or hey it’s totally fine to do the potluck thing and have everybody bring something to share, but if you do that, you also gotta tell them what to bring in advance.  Don’t just say … “oh anything’s fine,” cuz then your lazy moochy friends are all gonna show up with the same box of store bought chocolate chip cookies nobody wants to eat.

 

Key to a good party number two … alcohol.  Specifically … having enough of it on hand and not running out.

 

Ain’t nothin’ sadder than a halfway decent party crashing into the side of a mountain because the host only bothered to buy a 12 pack and 2 bottles of wine.  

 

You want your friends to have fun at your party, right?  So then plan in your optimistic little mind that you’re gonna throw the best stinkin’ party they’ve EVER been at, so stock the bar like that’s gonna happen.

 

And furthermore … stock the bar with variety.  Everybody’s got different tastes.  So just because you only drink Bud Light Lime-a-Rita’s doesn’t mean anybody else on earth does, so make sure you got a little something for everybody.

 

I went to a party once and there was a lot of great stuff going on … and there was lots of booze.  Problem was the only drinks being  offered were bourbon and IPA beers.  OK … maybe YOU love choosing between that really burny alcohol or this super bitter beer, but for the love of God man, ain’t no shame in throwing a few Miller Lite’s in that cooler for people that don’t.

 

And one final thing on alcohol … you’re a grownup now … stop trying to throw a BYOB party.  You're an adult.  You have a job. Quit acting like you’re throwing a party in your junior year dorm room in 1997.

 

And here’s a crazy little thing about having a grownup party with grownup friends … most people will bring you something anyway as a gift.  So now you’ve got even more drinks on hand!

 

Finally ... key to a good party number three … music.  For the love of God you gotta have music at your party.

 

It blows my mind when I show up at somebody’s "party" and there’s NO music playing.  Nothing.  Just boring small talk and … awkward silent pauses.  Look ... don’t have to pay Major Lazer to come to your house … but you gotta at least have something going in the background … anything!

 

Oh and when it comes to your music … get a real speaker!  Your tiny little $15 bluetooth speaker is fine when it’s just you in the kitchen on a Tuesday night, but you throw 40-50 people in that room and you ain’t gonna hear jack squat on your sad little sound tube.

 

“How come nobody’s dancing?”

 

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE WE ARE LISTENING TO MUSIC ON OUR PHONES THAT’S WHY!!!

 

What am I dancin’ too?  The pretend music in my head?  The volume control I wish I had?

 

This is why it’s 8:30 and everybody’s leaving … cuz your party game is lame.

 

But look … I just gave you the keys to success.  Follow them, Young Jedi, and people will finally look like they’re having fun at your house once and for all.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

 

 

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload