Zack's Anger Diary: The Mayonnaise Shirt


Dear Diary …

I do not claim to understand science. I’m not a dumb person … I know a lot of stuff. But when it comes to science … I am a dumb person. I majored in Television and Radio in college for the love of God! You know how many science classes I had to take? Zilch. No science!

So maybe somebody with science smarts can help me understand why mayonnaise is an all-powerful substance that cannot be destroyed.

Let me explain … recently I was doing one of my cursed experiences … eating food. I call it a “cursed experience” because the universe has decided that I am physically incapable of eating food without spilling at least part of it on my shirt. Doesn’t matter how careful I am … something is gonna blorp right into the gut stain portion of my shirt. Not the top, not the side, but right on the big ol' Buddha belly.

So while eating a sandwich the other day, the inevitable happened … mayonnaise. BLORP!

And here’s what I don’t understand, science nerds … I mean “science aficionados” … It was a TINY little globule of mayonnaise ... microscopic even.

And it stayed on my shirt for a microsecond before I quickly starting trying to clean it off. And yet … It is a guaranteed stain of shame on my shirt … unable to be removed. No matter what … that stain ain’t leaving until that shirt hits the laundry.

Water? HAHAHA! Water is no match for the all-powerful mayonnaise stain!!! I could dump Hurricane Harvey amounts of water on that shirt and nothing would change.

And that’s what I wanna know … how? How does that happen?

I get it … it’s got oil in it … but shouldn’t SOME amount of water finally win that battle? And even if I were to put some laundry detergent into that water, it still wouldn’t come out unless I put it in the mythical magical washing machine, where apparently some sort of extra wizardry occurs that zaps out the stain.

Here’s what the need to start doing … makin' shirts out of mayonnaise. I’m serious! OK … now it’s not just one greasy white mayo outfit … but if there were already mayonnaise fibers in the shirt, nothing would stain it when the inevitable BLORP takes place, because it's already one giant stain.

Mayonnaise shirt! Who’s with me? Million dollar idea.

Though I am thinking we’re not gonna … umm … market it as the "Magical Mayonnaise Shirt". Doesn’t really have the sex appeal of the clothes that we’re looking for here. But I'm tellin' ya ... build that shirt outta mayonnaise and we can finally stop the stain.

You know who's probably preventing this? Tide Mafia. That's right ... we wouldn't need them and their precious little stain sticks anymore if we had the all-powerful Mayonnaise Shirt.

(You know, sometimes I just wonder what's even inside this head. I don't even know anymore. Mayonnaise shirt? Seriously? Alright ... whatever.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

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