Dear Diary …
When it comes to long road trips … I am the single most unlucky person on Earth. Specifically ... picking the exit to stop when you gotta pee or get gas or whatever … there’s no way anybody has worse luck than me.
My road trip history is littered with tales of woe … Sneaky restaurants that are 4 miles away from the highway, gas stations with jacked up prices, and bathrooms? Diary … on a recent road trip this summer I managed to get off at an exit that had NO bathrooms. It had gas stations ... no bathrooms. It had stores … no bathrooms. How does that happen? How does that even exist?
And no matter what steps I take to change my luck … nothing helps.
This past weekend was no different. I was going to have to stop for a gas and pee break. So I try to do it the right way … I think … OK … I am going to stop at one of those nice big truck plazas. One of the big name ones. They got cheap gas … nice bathrooms … good coffee. That will set me up for success!
So I drive past a bunch of exits and I poo poo my nose at regular gas stations … and then I finally see my truck plaza. Or so I thought. Turns out the sign was wrong. Now … the sign was for the correct truck plaza, but what the sign should’ve said was, “Welcome to Ripoffville.”
And the first perk of Ripoffville? Wildly overpriced gas. $2.89 a gallon! I hadn’t seen a price that high in years! But now I’m sucked into Ripoffville, because I do NOT want to turn around and do the drive of shame to the next exit. I’m already here … and I wanna make good time to get home. Fine … whatever.
So I go inside to get a cup of coffee and I immediately realize … the truck stop in Ripoffville is WAY less nice than any other place by the same name. [[Sigh]] Whatever … I just wanna get coffee and get out of here.
Now, in pretty much every other truck stop on Earth, coffee is 99 cents. Except in Ripoffville where I get to the register and the girl says … “Ummm … 2 dollars.”
Wait … Two dollars EXACTLY? Seems like an awfully odd price when you would factor it, oh I don't know ... TAX. Plus … I don’t think she even rang anything up! I think she just said “Two dollars” to the sucker who pulled in to Ripoffville. UGH! Fine! Whatever! Let me just pee and get outta here …
At that point I should explain that close to Ripoffville is almost always the neighboring village of Terrible Toilet Town. And this place did not disappoint! Toilet paper all over the bathroom … like the Golden State Warriors had just had a ticker tape parade through here to celebrate their championship win. Plus … a random Latin dude … sittin’ on the throne and talking very loudly in Spanish on his cell phone.
Not that there’s anything wrong with a Latin dude or speakin’ Spanish, but now I feel like the door of the bathroom was actually a teleport chamber and I have some been transported to a bathroom at a gas station in the Dominican Republic. I don’t even know where I am anymore!!
So I finally make it out of Ripoffville with my overpriced coffee, and my grubby hands, and my gigantic gas bill. And guess what’s at the very next exit?
The greatest truck stop in the history of highways. Huge. Clean. And gas that was 15 CENTS A GALLON CHEAPER!!! WHERE WAS I?????
And before you get all, “See Zack, you should’ve just gone to the next exit,” with me … I’ll save you the breath. Because you HAD I done that, you know what would’ve been at the next exit? A field. Nothin' That truck stop might’ve even been a mirage, put there by the universe just to mock me. Because it always mocks me … every time I drive.
This is why I think those people are lunatics who say, “Oh if I won the lottery I would love to travel all over this great land.” You’re insane!!!! When I’m rich, everything's coming to ME … at MY house. End of story.
Till next time Diary … I saw … goodbye