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Zack's Anger Diary: Medium Well and Tuna Fish

May 6, 2014

Dear Diary …

 

Today ... I wanna talk about food. Because really, it’s the one thing all humans have in common … we all eat food. Maybe we like different food, but we all eat it. Even your no fun fitness friends who hate delicious food … they’re at least still passionate about their twigs and protein powder … that’s their food.

 

And "passion" is a great word for this … because I love food. Especially great ingredients that are nurtured and treated beautifully in an effort to make them as fantastic as possible. Food deserves our respect and love, which is why we need to fight back against you people that overcook your red meat.

That animal died for you … and now you’re ruining it’s memory by turning them into a grey piece of meat leather.

 

Let me present you with a fact … the best way to eat red meat is rare or medium rare. End of discussion. There is no dispute here. Because if you disagree, you’re also the one with the broken taste buds. It’s medical. I pity you, but you still can’t argue with facts.

 

For optimum beefy deliciousness and flavor … any food expert will tell ya it’s medium rare. So you know what? Medium … I’ll let ya slide. You’re tryin’ your best.

 

But medium well and well done … you’re doin’ it wrong. Especially medium well. At least a "well done person" knows what they want … to destroy a piece of steak and cook it till it’s dry and terrible. Medium wellers … you people don’t know what you want. Because you are ALWAYS the one at the table mad about your food … pokin’ it with your fork … eww it’s too pink … or ahhhh it’s not pink enough. Ehhhhh!

 

This is because there’s no such thing as medium well. Either get it cooked right or get it burned to a crisp. You can’t order food as "kinda terrible" and then expect anything other than disappointment.

 

And here’s my additional advice … if you go to a restaurant and order medium rare and they say, "Well here at blah blah blah restaurant we cook it to at least medium because he wanna be safe." LEAVE. Clearly they don’t care about flavor … and why would you wanna eat at a restaurant that hates flavor?

 

Tell me how to eat my food? I’m a grown ass man … If I wanna eat raw meat tin the parking lot like a bear … well then I can. I pay my taxes, that should be good for something, right?

 

OK … moving on Diary … while we’re talking about food … tuna fish has got to go. Now tuna … the actual fish … when in a nice big steak and cooked to perfection (rare BTW) … that’s awesome. But when it’s been boiled beyond belief and then scooped out of a can and slathered with huge hunks of mayonnaise. How is this not a crime against your food? (Oh … and just so you know ... I really wanted to say "crimes against foodmanity" here, but I didn’t . So you’re welcome.)

 

Anyway … canned tuna … uhhh … why do we do this to ourselves? And I don’t know which came first … tuna fish or cat food, but the point is … they both smell and look the same. So do YOU think a sane person eats cat food sandwiches? Oh you know what …. that smells good. I’ll have what the cat’s having please.

That is a gross, crazy person.

 

And tuna melt … hot fish, melted cheese, and bubbling mayonnaise? Yeah there … you’ve just ruined everyone’s appetite … I hope you’re happy.


Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

 

 

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