Zack's Anger Diary: Where Does Poop Come From?

Dear Diary …

Where does dog poop come from?

Now I know where it COMES from … dog butt. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is … When I’m going around the yard and picking up dog poop, how does it just magically appear?

Cuz I will scour that entire yard. Explore everywhere. Pick up every bit of dog poop that I see. Dump it in the trash. All gone.

Start walking back to the house …


There’s one.


There’s another. And another. And another.

Where were these four poops two seconds ago when I walked thru the entire yard? I looked ... I explored ... I examined!

So now I gotta go back. Get the scooper. Scoop ‘em all up. Dump ‘em in the trash. OK ... ALL gone.


Still one left! So that’s what I’m asking. I know the science of where regular dog poop comes from, but how do these magical little doo doo clouds just appear out of nowhere like the world’s grossest mushroom?

OK … moving on Diary … I am so over the fact that we as people are constantly lied to when it comes to directions and recipes … specifically when dealing with the amounts of things.

For example … last week I refinished my deck. And you gotta buy this special paint that fills in all the cracks and makes your old sucky deck look like a slightly newer, slightly less sucky deck. So right on the front it says “this paint will cover 300 square feet with two coats of paint.” OK great … I have 300 square feet. This is the perfect amount.

Well guess who ran out of paint before I was even done with one coat of paint? Well obviously it was me. I said "I." You don’t have to answer that. Rhetorical question.

“Oh but it depends on the deck and the brush and blah blah blah”


Enough with your lies! It’s ain’t covering two coats of paint. Ever. So don’t try to tell me that it does.

It’s like when you make lasagna. Every single recipe I’ve ever had for lasagna doesn’t make enough sauce, meat and cheese to do all the layers that it calls for. So then you’re sitting there like an idiot … trying to streeeetch out the cheese and smooooooth out the sauce. And just sit there and pray that there’s gonna be enough for that final layer.

NO! Just make the stinkin’ recipe call for more stuff in the first place. Problem solved!

I just wanna know … for REAL … what I’m getting into here without some sort of garbage lie.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

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