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Zack's Anger Diary: The Grossest Thing On Earth

February 23, 2017

 

Dear Diary …

 

When you have kids, your tolerance level for all things gross goes WAY up. The simple fact is that kids … are nasty … and you gotta deal with their nastiness to the point that it becomes a simple everyday activity that is no big deal. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat at the dinner table and talked to my wife where we say … “Mmm … this lasagna is wonderful … so did Lennon poop today? He did? And it was a big poop? OK great … can you pass the parmesan cheese? This meal is delightful!”

 

That said … I’m not immune to all the things they do, because quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything grosser in my life that my four year old son eating a bowl of Cheetos. It’s agonizing!!

 

Diary … it’s as if he starts that bowl with a mission … eat these Cheetos as messily as possible … with my entire hand jammed in my mouth and cheese dust smeared all over my face.

 

Oh … and the noises …

 

[[[[This is where you here gross munching sounds of you’re listening to the playback of this]]]

 

Ugh!!

 

How can you even stand yourself while you’re sitting there like a blob covered in orange goo?

 

But he don’t care one bit. Just jams his cheesy fist into his face, munches them all down, and then casually demands … “Wipe” … with his orange fingers in the air.

I don’t even get a “please” … It’s basically … “Slave … come over here and serve your Lord.”

 

And Diary … while we’re talking about kids and parenting … can I just go ahead and say something that I know all parents are thinking but are afraid to say because they think they’ll be judged as horrible parents? We hate doing crafts!

 

Now I’m sure there’s a handful of mutant Pinterest-obsessed parents that actually like doing little craft projects with their kids, but most of us hate it. And here’s why … 99% of the time, we’re the ones that have to sit there and do all the work!

 

The whole point of these stupid crafts is supposed to be giving the kids something to do to keep them occupied, but their unskilled little hands stink at it, and we end up having to help them. And by “help,” I mean now I’m sitting at the table and doing it all while they’re in the other room watching TV and yelling “are you done yet?”

 

Same with things like Play Doh. Man my opinion of Play Doh changed dramatically when I became an adult. I thought … ooh … I LOVED the Play Doh Burger Maker when I was a kid … let me get it for MY kids! Yeah … terrible idea!

 

Now I’m sitting there like a dummy for an hour building things for them with the Play Doh Burger Maker and then dealing with all the dried up Play Doh nastiness that builds up inside that cheap piece of garbage. Oh and speaking of “garbage,” that’s exactly where the Play Doh Burger Maker ended up one day while everyone was at school.

 

Oopsie … problem solved!

 

I hate to say it Diary, but you know what’s really good at keeping them occupied? The iPad! iPad don’t sit there and make me do a bunch of origami swans like a dummy. iPad lets me take a nap. Thank you, iPad!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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