Zack's Anger Diary: The Pile of Sock Orphans

Dear Diary …

I think we can all agree … It’s time to make some changes. And normally Diary, I’m not one of these New Year’s Resolution dorks …

“Hey what’s your resolution?”

I just always think they’re phony and we never stick to them. But you know what? For a lot of reasons 2016 was a big steaming pile, so I think this year I’m board … change is good!

But let’s not stick ourselves with the same lame resolutions … let’s try to come up with some that would actually make the world a better place.

Here’s one … let’s make kids actually do things.

My kids don’t do or play anything … they just watch other people do things. I mean, when I let ‘em play on their iPad … they don’t even play games.

They go on YouTube and watch somebody else play Minecraft. Or somebody else build LEGOs. Or whatever. They don’t DO anything!

And I’m not here to be all high and mighty … because I give them their iPads to I can sit and watch other people on TV do stuff that I’m not doing. Doing stuff is hard, man! It’s WAY easier to just sit around and watch other people do stuff.

But you know what we are when we do that? Losers. I’m saying it about myself, too. I know you do what I do … sit there … watch other people do stuff … and think, “I could do that if I wanted to.” But we don’t. So this year … we’re gonna!

But also … let’s not do dumb things. My generation of parents … we are idiots.

I have a friend … couple weeks ago … he had to help out at his daughter’s pancake breakfast at school. 6:30 in the morning … on a Saturday! What is wrong with us? Why do we plan these things at such stupid times?

He’s the same guy often taking his kid to soccer games … an hour away … for a game that STARTS at 7 on a Saturday morning. Unacceptable! And why does every kid have to travel now for every activity? I see plenty of soccer fields in my neighborhood … remind me again why I gotta drive to Martinsville to play on their grassy area instead?

Moving forward … we need to change it up ... 2017 is an action year my friends! Time to do better!

But as we move forward … let’s also look back one last time and pour one out for all the sad losses that we had in 2016. And no, I’m not talking about all the celebrity deaths … forget those people! I’m talking about how many socks I lost in the laundry in 2016 … It was freakin’ ridiculous!

Diary … I have what I call “The Pile of Sock Orphans.” Every time the laundry comes back, and I end up missing one sock, it’s poor soulmate gets tossed in The Pile of Sock Orphans. It’s so sad … like that old Cider House Rules movie … the new load of laundry is the prospecting Mom and Dad … coming into the orphanage ... looking to adopt a sad little sock orphan … “Please sir … am I the right color to match you?”

And all that ever happens? Fresh fish! New orphan tossed into the pile.

Where do they go? Is there a black market for solo socks or something, and my wife is making fistfulls of cash selling off one of my socks to these other sad Piles of Sock Orphans?

I mean … there is no other reasonable explanation. Nobody else in the house has a problem with this but me. Where are all my socks???

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.