Zack's Anger Diary: Ruining Christmas Classics

Dear Diary …

I like all different things about the holiday season … or “Christmas” if you’re gonna be one of those people that gets all crazy … “Don't you take Jesus out of Christmas!”

Now now … I say “Christmas,” I say Happy Holidays,” heck I’ll use a “Xmas” if I want to because I need to get something under 140 characters on Twitter. I might even use a XXX-Mas if I feel like it, but that’s nunya biznass what I do on my own private time.

The point is … I like a lot of things about the holiday season, and I do think it’s possible to celebrate them ALL.

I like the food, the gettin’ together with friends and family, and the traditions. Like one of my favorite traditions … picking apart all of our favorite Christmas classics and pointing out all the things that are inaccurate, creepy, or weird about them.

So let's do that right now, cuz when it comes to Christmas music … there’s a wealth of material. If you sit back and listen to the words of some of these songs, you really start to wonder what the heck were these people were thinking when they wrote ‘em.

Like “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” … OK … That part I get …

But then later in the song they go on to say …

“There'll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago”

Wait … what?

Scary ghost stories?

What kind of Christmas party is this?

“On a dark and stormy night ... He came for his revenge. Rudolph the blood nosed reindeer!!!!”

No thank you! I don't need no scary ghost stories at my Christmas. One year I saw my grandma in just her bra. That’s scary enough for a lifetime!

And what about “Feliz Navidad?” … Quite possibly one of the goofiest songs in the history of mankind to actually be considered a classic.

It starts with the dude saying “Feliz Navidad … Feliz Navidad” over and over again … Which in case you didn’t know, means “Merry Christmas” in Spanish. Oh but you DO know that, because the song says “I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas. I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.”

And that’s it … that’s the song.

The guy says “Merry Christmas” in Spanish, then let’s you know in English that he said “Merry Christmas” in Spanish.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And that’s a classic!

Hey I ain’t mad at Jose Feliciano … the dude’s a freakin’ genius. He figured out how to make tens of millions of dollars on day one of high school Spanish class.

Class repeat after me … “Feliz Navidad” … “Feliz Navidad”

Though I do love songs like that becase you can totally use them to your advantage when that cranky old fart you know says things like “Music today is so stupid. Not like back in the 70’s when we had REAL music!”

Yeah well you people made “Feliz Navidad” too … so there! So your music is just as dumb as our music.

Till next time Diary … I say … Happy Holidays … or Merry Christmas … or whatever one it is that ain't gonna get you all riled up for no good reason. Bye!

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