Dear Diary …
In my house there is one simple rule. OK … there are plenty of rules, cuz I love rules, but there’s one rule in particular …
Don’t wake up Daddy when he’s sleeping. I get up at 3:30 in the morning and I will freely admit, I am a VERY cranky baby if you dare wake me up when I’m taking my nap. Little baby has gone down for his rest, and you must leave me alone.
And yes, selfishly I don’t want you to wake me up because I wanna sleep, but this rule is also in place for your own good, because Daddy is MEAN when you wake him up from his nap.
Diary, I’m not proud of it, but the last time my daughter woke me up, I may or may not have thrown the remote control across the room and said “WHAT???? WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU WOKE ME UP FOR IT???”
Not my finest moment. For the record, it was not important, but still not my finest moment.
So … my daughter gets it. She doesn’t wake me up anymore. Some could say it’s because she’s older now and listens better. Others could argue I scarred her so deeply with my outburst that she’ll sort this fear out later in therapy, but … well … at least she don’t wake me up anymore.
My son on the other hand … He don’t get it. I tell him … “Daddy is taking a nap, please don’t wake me up.” But to him, that just means, “Try not to be loud, but still wake up Daddy if you want a snack.”
So what he does … which I’ll admit is kind of adorable ... is he just quietly goes ...
“I need a snack.”
(Oh and I should add, it's directly into my face.)
Alright look here Doo Doo Brown … Quietly waking up Daddy still counts as waking up Daddy. Cut it out!
Oh and here’s the other thing (By the way can you tell I had to watch the kids by myself all weekend?) … These little demons make demands the second you walk into a room. They’re just sitting there … loafin’ .. watching TV and drooling out the sides of their heads, but the minute I walk into the room it’s like “Oh … the help has arrived! Bring me your finest meats and cheeses!”
Diary do they ever realize that I don’t just work here and I’m not just the butler? They don’t? GREAT!
And when they do make their requests, why do all children proceed to mumble them? The rest of the time they’re painfully loud. I mean … this is a quote from my son yesterday, “AHHHHHH!!!!!!”
But the minute he wants some Cheeezits …
[MUMBLES] “Can I have some Cheezits?”
“I said [MUMBLES] can I have some Cheezits?”
I think all of this is on purpose. I read the news. This is psychological warfare. And they are winning.
If our government wants to find new torture methods that aren’t so invasive like waterboarding … Just make these terrorists deal with the demands of a couple 5 year olds for a few hours. We’ll have ISIS wiped out in one single parent weekend.
Bank on it!
Till next time Diary ... I say … goodbye.