Zack's Anger Diary: The Bird Battle

June 28, 2016


Dear Diary …


Let me start off by say that … ultimately … this was my fault. But still, I don’t need to be yelled at by no bird. That’s right … bird straight up yelled at me this weekend. A lot too!


Let me backpedal a little and set the scene … I have a garage, but it’s one of those old detached garages, so it ain’t for cars. It’s for stuff. Lawn mower.

Extra grill. Random crap you think you’re gonna need again some day but never do. It's that kind of garage.


And I’ll admit … I get lazy and sometimes don’t close the door to the garage when I’m done gettin’ stuff out of there. OK … “sometimes” actually means “all of the times.” Cuz ... uh ... … I’ve had the door to the garage open for a about a month and a half. And this weekend was the time I realized that I gotta stop doing that, because I saw this little bird fly in there. Oh crap ... he’s probably living in there somewhere, and now I gotta try to figure out where.


Well Diary … It didn’t take much lookin’ … Turns out Mr. Bird was living in a cabinet on the wall, which as you can see was another thing that I was too lazy to close. Well in this cabinet there was a pile of old work gloves, which apparently to birds is a perfect place to call home. Add a little stick, another stick there ... and poof … you got yourself a nest.


Correction … HAD yourself a nest.


Sorry Mr. Bird … bird apartment complex is closed for business!


So I took the nest and … well … tossed it. And I did feel a tiny bit bad about that, but he can’t be living in my garage. But I figure I gotta toss it, because a human touches a nest, a bird won’t use it again anyway. And full disclosure ... I don't really know that, it just feels like that might be a fact. And since it feels like a truth to me, and it makes me feel better, we’re gonna go ahead and pretend it’s true no matter what.


OK … so back to me gettin’ yelled at. I toss this nest, and now I’m in the garage getting some tools, and all of a sudden I hear this bird … yellin’ at me.



Got some little twig in his mouth … standin’ there on my electrical wire. Just lookin’ at me and yellin’ … [[[CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!!!]]]


And I’m like, “Look bird … you don’t live here anymore … sorry dude.”


And he flies into the garage … lookin’ around … [[[CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!!!]]]


Your house is GONE bird … get over it! Take your twig and start over somewhere else!!!!


But he kept comin’ back … all afternoon. He’d fly away for a minute, then fly back. Stick got that twig hangin’ in his beak … [[[CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!!!]]]


I mean he was saying … “You took my house you rotten human, and if I was bigger I would figure out a way and I would kill you!”


And I will admit … cuz I had just taken the kids to see “Finding Dory” the day before … this is exactly how one of these Pixar movies starts. Evil Human destroys the nest … bird goes on an adventure to rile up the entire animal kingdom to eventually come back, take over Evil Human’s house, and turn it one gigantic bird sanctuary.


Diary … Usually I fear the robot uprising, but I think I gotta put that one on the backburner while I prepare for the impending animal kingdom takeover.

They’re comin’ for me … I can feel it!


I had the last laugh though. Cuz you know what I ate for dinner? Chicken. Now no this wasn’t a chicken living in my garage, but it was still a bird. And I’m not gonna lie … I took a bite and looked right out the window at him, too. [[[CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!!!]]]


Yeah I just ate your cousin … whatchoo gonna do about it now bird?!?!!


Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.



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