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Zack's Anger Diary: So...Much...Poop

June 7, 2016

 

Dear Diary …

 

So I gotta ask … My son is four years old. Weighs about 40 pounds. Pretty average height and weight. Exactly how much poop can be stored in a body this size? Because it seems like he manages to carry WAY more than his body size dictates. I swear this kid is like 51% poop, and 49% everything else. Where does he store it all?

 

And right now we’re still getting a hold of this whole “potty trained all the time” thing. And he’s getting better, but this weekend he was dealing with some rumble bumble issues in his belly, and I can’t get mad at him for that. He can’t help it.

But again it brings me back to the question … how does such a tiny child manage to store … so … much?

 

Since he was dealing with issues … he was wearing a pull-up. And thank God he was, because that was about the only thing that prevented me from having to throw an entire couch away. I’ll spare you the details, but when I took of his pull-up, and there was a pull-up shaped poop outfit left in it’s place. Oh wait … I didn’t spare you the details. Cuz I want YOU to travel this horrible journey with ME! And you just did, whether you like it or not! MWAHAHAHA!

 

Anyway … that was my weekend. Over and over again. And in addition to them runs, he also managed to execute two normal ones. Well … normal for a 170 pound man. But apparently this child is just a doo doo storage unit or something. By Sunday night I found myself just … looking at him. Thinking … How? Where? Why? I’m tellin’ ya … 51% poop. 49% everything else.

 

OK … thankfully … moving on Diary ...

 

Time is quite possibly the most valuable thing we all have. Sure … money is nice. Buy time … I mean you only get one life … and you never know how much time you got left in it. So you gotta make the most of it. Which is why it blows my mind why some of us waste our time on such stupid things.

 

Like low fat cheese. What is the point?

 

"Oh I’m trying to save calories."

 

Yeah well guess what? Regular cheese is delicious. And low-fat cheese tastes nothing like it. So now, not only are you not eating delicious regular cheese, you’re wasting a bunch of calories on a low fat version that tastes like a mix of cardboard and feet.

 

Sugar free cake. Are you serious? And even worse is when people try to trick you …

 

“Oh this cake doesn’t have sugar in it. Bet you didn’t notice!”

 

[[GAG]] Bet I did.

 

Life is too short! Splorging a bunch of low fat ranch dressing on your salad ain’t gonna make you any healthier. Either go all in or all out!

 

Also … why are we making food grosser? I just learned that now you gotta watch out at the store for the label “mechanically tenderized meat.” So basically they’re just using these giant poking machines to put a bunch of holes in your meat to try to make it seem more tender and juicy than it is.

 

Guess what? Cook it right and it’ll be plenty tender and juicy on it’s own, you don’t need a million bacteria blades jabbing holes in it so your “big juicy marinade” can leak in.

 

Or how 'bout this … if you REEEEEAAALLLY want meat with a bunch of holes poked in it, there’s a thing called a "fork" that you can use to stab it yourself. Do we really need a machine for that? Cuz you know what else that machine is good for?

e.Coli … delicious!

 

Don’t poke my meat. Don’t inject it with salt water. Don’t turn it pink and splooge it through a giant Play-Doh like nugget making machine either. Just gimme the meat and let me worry about it from there.

 

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.

 

 

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