Zack's Anger Diary: Deaths Don't Come in Threes

May 3, 2016

 

Dear Diary …

 

So Prince dies. Which by the way … stinks. Really mad at you 2016. Why do you hate celebrities so much? Especially legendary musicians. Cut it out!

 

But here's what I'm going to do, I’m going to use this negative time to try to enforce positive change. This change being that we finally all agree ... celebrities do NOT “die in threes.”

 

Every time a celebrity dies I gotta hear it from somebody “Oh who’s next? They always die in threes!”

 

No they do not!

 

And furthermore, these people have the loosest math as part of their argument … “Yup first it was Prince, then Chyna, and then the guy who wrote the Mister Softee ice cream jingle.”

 

He does not count!

 

Meanwhile somebody else is sayin’ … “Yup … it’s in threes … David Bowie … Glenn Frey … and now Prince. Three music people.”

 

Oh so now we’re dividing up the deaths by genre of celebrity?

 

And I got yet another dingbat is saying to me “Prince died. Who’s gonna be number two? Cuz they always happen in threes!”

 

If nothing else, would you people all get on the same page with your statistics!!!

 

When does it start? When does it end? What is the appropriate level of celebrity to even count?

 

You have no idea what you’re talking about. And even if they do ... by some weird, cosmic thing ... happen in certain numerical bundles, how do you know we’re supposed to reset the counter at three? Maybe they die in fives? Maybe they die in elevens?

 

Or maybe … oh I don’t know … Maybe they just die, because death just happens? Happy Angry Tuesday!

OK … Moving on Diary .. Let’s talk breakfast.

 

Mmmm … breakfast.

 

Now … is it the most important meal of the day?

 

Lots of people will tell you it is and how the key to a healthy lifestyle is to start your day with a nice, balanced breakfast.

 

But at the same time, I see plenty of restaurants out there making great money selling just giant plates of dessert and passing them off as breakfast. Diary … they make Cupcake Pancakes now for the love of God! That’s definitely not what anybody had in mind when they told you it was the most important meal of the day.

 

Oh if that’s not enough for you, don’t worry … You can get stuffed french toast … so it’s all the desserty goodness on the outside, with a big pile of cake frosting splooginess on the inside to go along with it. And don’t forget to top it with whipped cream and a whole lotta syrup.

 

Do we even care anymore?

 

My favorite is that we’ll take that big plate o’ diabetes and throw some strawberries on it so we can say “Well it’s got fruit in it.”

 

Yes ... Bravo. You had your fruit.

 

Oh and a muffin … let’s not sit here and act like that ain’t just a cupcake without frosting on it. And the best part? A lot of ‘em HAVE frosting on them anyway … Breakfast of Champions!

 

[[Side note: I wanted to say something hilarious here like “Breakfast of Champions … of Bowling!” but they all sounded stupid like that one.]]

 

Anyway … eat it if you want ... but don’t be callin’ it breakfast. Just call it “First Dessert” and be on your way.

 

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

 

 

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