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Zack's Anger Diary: Two Little Dictators

April 26, 2016

 

Dear Diary …

 

When you take a look at wacky dictators and leaders in this world … You know … the ones who will send you to prison if you look at them funny, or the ones who claim they learned how to walk a three weeks old and force the media report that as a fact. Yeah ... those guys.

 

So you look at them and you think to yourself … How could a human being possibly make such ridiculous demands to other people? And I say say to you … clearly you’ve never had children, because they spend their entire day making senseless demands of everybody around them.

 

So these dictators are just kids who never grew up, and never have had anyone tell them no. I know this … cuz I live with two little dictators. They make ridiculous demands all day long, and I’m merely their servant trying to figure it all out.

 

Yesterday I spent 20 minutes getting yelled at by my son because I couldn’t find the TV show he wanted to watch that he would only refer to as “the blue ship one.”

 

Oh ... the "blue ship one" ... great!

 

And this isn't even a new demand ... the other day he said he wanted to watch Power Rangers, which would normally be fine, but he wanted to specifically watch one episode that he would only call “the red one.” Do you have any idea how many different Power Rangers series and episodes there are? I DO!!! And I'm searching thru all of them, like an idiot, just trying to find "the red one."

 

Diary … we went out to dinner last week as a family … and Little Kim-Jong Un in training is furious because he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich from a different restaurant. Naturally, the place we’re at has a grilled cheese sandwich on the kid’s menu, because just about every restaurant on Earth has a grilled cheese on the menu. Heck, I’m pretty sure most Chinese restaurants will whip you up a grilled cheese if you ask 'em to.

 

But Lil' Kim-Jong demanding the OTHER grilled cheese sandwich. You know, the one he wouldn't even know the difference between if I put it in front of him while his eyes were closed right now. But when he gets the one from this restaurant, he turns to me and says “I’m not eating it … I will never eat anything EVER again!”

 

I'm telling you, if he was dictator of North Korea … I’m dead. Firing squad for delivering insufficient nutrition to exalted leader! Bye bye!

 

My daughter’s no better … Both of them have gotten into this habit I call “The Multi-Tiered Snack Demand.”

 

Now Diary … I spend the majority of my free time doing three things … drinking, complaining, and getting snacks for children. All day long … “I’m hungry. I want a snack!” Then the other one wants a snack, then the first one wants a drink, then the second one wants a drink, and then the cycle starts again.

 

So I squashed that little charade and make them all do it at once, so they upped the ante and moved on to multi-layered demands, because instead of just asking for Cheez-its, now they say “I want some Cheez-Its, mixed with Goldfish, and then a couple of pretzels, and a Triscuit.” Uh ... excuse me?

 

Oh ... and in case you’re wondering … a snack MIX like say … Chex Mix that has all those things in it … yeah that’s not good enough. You gotta be in that pantry like a dodo, hand-mixing all their snack demands.

 

At dessert my daughter will often say, “I want 6 mini marshmallows, three chocolate chips, two butterscotch chips, and 4 Gummi bears.” NO! I'm not doing that! Or at least I'm gonna say "I'm not doing that," and then do it because ... well ... I am the servant.

 

Hey ... while we're talking dessert I’m laying down the gauntlet down right here right now … Nutella is a dessert … It is NOT a snack! Every kid has got it in their head that that it is somehow exempt from dessert status.

 

“I want apples and Nutella for my snack.”

 

That’s not a snack, that is a dessert.

 

“No it isn’t.”

 

Yes it is!!!

 

And don’t let the Nutella people try to lie to you in any capacity. “Oh it’s like peanut butter.” No it isn’t …. It’s cake frosting that you spread on toast. End of story!

 

If I ever snap and you see me on the news just know … Snacks. That’s the reason.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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