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Zack's Anger Diary: Things You Think Are Romantic, But Aren't

April 5, 2016

 

Dear Diary …

 

I get it … romance is hard. Finding the right person is hard. Keeping the right person is hard. Dealing with the wrong person is hard.

 

I know we’re all trying, but there are certain things that people do that are totally screwing it up for themselves. And really … they’re screwing it up for other people too … because you’re givin’ other people bad ideas.

 

So today I bring to you some things that, for whatever reason, you think are romantic … but totally aren’t.

 

1) Feeding each other

 

“Oh baby we are so in love and are out to a romantic dinner … let me stick my fork full of food into your mouth.”

 

And maybe you’re in the moment and think you’re doing a good job, but as an outside observer, the entire experience is grody and uncomfortable to be a witness to. I’m always very nervous for the person who’s being fed the food, because it always seems like the ratio of fork speed, distance, and location isn’t going correctly, and there person is gonna get a fork full of cake jammed up their nose.

 

And even if it does go into their mouth there’s this awkward exchange of … how far do I stick it in? How long do I leave it there? Do I pull it out of her mouth, or does she back away?

 

See? None of this is romantic! You wanna share your cake? Let her get a forkful of your cake. Don't be stickin' it in there.

 

2) Same siders

 

Now this is a popular one, but I bring it up next because it often goes hand in hand with the food feeders … who also love to do it while sitting on the same side of the table at a restaurant.

 

“Oh but we love each other and we just wanna SNUGGLE!”

 

Ok fine … but to the rest of us, you just look like a couple waitin’ for their friends to show up.

 

And furthermore … who wants to have a conversation out of the side of their head for an entire meal?

 

“Hey I’m talking to you, but I’m just trying to look at you out of the corner of my eye while I eat my cheeseburger. How's it goin' baby?”

 

I mean … when you’re at home … you don’t sit on the same side of your table while the rest of the room is empty. Nobody does that! So why are you doing it when you’re out in public … where people can actually see you?

 

And that brings me to number three … because I’m sure you’re gonna say “It’s cuz we’re so in love.” Yeah that’s ...

 

3) Over the top with the moosh moosh

 

Hey you can be in love. I’m in love. But I don’t lay it on thick like you moosh mooshers.

 

Like when you ask one of these people … “Who’s your celebrity crush?” Or your Man Crush Monday or whatever …

 

“Oh it’s my husband. He’s my celebrity crush.”

 

First of all … that’s not the game! No offense, but unless you’re married to Joe Manganello, your husband’s a nobody. I’m sure he’s a wonderful person, but he’s no celebrity. You got neighbors that don't even know his name. He doesn't count!

 

You know darn well from time to time you think Channing Tatum’s giant head is dreamy, or you like the way Justin

Timberlake’s sexy voice makes you feel on the inside. And if you say ”no I don’t” … well then you’re lying to me as well as lying to yourself.

 

Or this one … “Oh he’s my husband AND he's my best friend.”

 

Oh Lord! Again … you can love each other … AND like hanging out, but quit layin’ it on so thick. Here's a shocker ... you are allowed to ALSO have a friend that you like to hang out with too!

 

Cuz guess what? I bet if I ask him who his best friend is (when you’re not around), he says “Steve” and you’re not Steve!

He likes you too, but he also likes to complain about you to Steve when you’re being annoying. That’s love! And THAT’S a best friend!

 

This is why we have so many divorces … people get the wrong idea about what’s supposed to be romantic and “in love,”

and they get all disappointed when it's not. They’re brains are very impressionable, and you gotta stop fillin’ their heads with such bad ideas!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

 

 

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