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Zack's Anger Diary: My Kid The Con Artists

March 29, 2016

 

Dear Diary …

 

I have come to a simple conclusion … my son is a con artist. Now obviously I preface this with “He’s awesome and I love him so much and blah blah blah,” but he is also a liar, a cheat, and a scoundrel. And really all kids are con artists to some degree, but he is the Leader of the Liars.

 

Dinner time is a great example … because Little Shady McGee is a terrible eater. If it were up to him, he would just live off of milk and lollipops and never bother eating another food in his life. But obviously that can’t happen, so I’m gonna fight the good fight and try to get him to eat actual food.

 

So the other night my daughter is having scrambled eggs … and Little Liar says “I want egg too.”

 

Ok you’re sure? You want egg for your dinner?

 

“Yes.”

 

OK fine. I will make you an egg, but just to be clear, you gotta eat this egg otherwise there is no dessert. Understood?

 

“Yes.”

 

I make egg. And what does the con artist say?

 

“But I don’t want egg. I want something else.”

 

Oh hell to the no! You said you wanted egg. I made you egg. You’re gonna eat egg!

 

And then starts the lying. Throwing any con he can to the wall to see what sticks …

 

“It’s too hot.”

 

“It’s too cold.”

 

“My hands are itchy.”

 

“My tongue’s too small.”

 

MY TONGUE IS TOO SMALL???? You honestly think I’m dumb enough to fall for this one?

 

And there he is … hanging his tongue out of his mouth, trying to block the eggs from getting in.

 

“See …. It’s too small.”

 

This doesn’t even make sense … you’re making it BIGGER and then you're telling me it’s too small. You are a liar and a con artist. People … gather round for the big liar … He’ll fill you full of promises, and then try to con his way out of all of them!

 

Here’s another one he likes to do that I know is very popular with children … I call it “The Dessert Swindle.”

 

This is where he eats his dinner (you know … on the nights his tongue is the appropriate food eating size) ... so he eats it ... and then asks for his dessert right away. And when he does this, he asks for an item, knowing full well that we have something better that's coming up later.

 

Let me explain … The other night we’re gonna roast marshmallows on the fire pit. Fun activity for all the kids, and they get tasty roasted marshmallows for their dessert. So when the con artist does, is he comes to you before marshmallow time and says “I want a lollipop.”

 

OK … but we’re roasting marshmallows later … so you want a lollipop instead of a marshmallow?

 

“Uh huh”

 

And that means no marshmallows … right?

 

“Uh huh”

 

So he eats his lollipop, and then what does he do later? “Umm … maybe I want marshmallow for dessert?” LIAR!

 

Or last night … he eats his piece of candy, then comes in and says “I didn’t love that, maybe I want something else.” Yeah well, maybe you tell me that at the first bite, not after you’ve eaten the whole thing!

 

Big liar. Con artist. Playin’ me for a fool. Well I’m on to your game ya little turd. I will win! He only got two marshmallows. Wait … oh crap. I lose!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

 

 

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