Zack's Anger Diary: Realistic Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Dear Diary …

January. Ugh.

So you know what that means … everybody’s talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Oh my God!

While I was on vacation … my wife likes to watch all those morning TV talk shows (And yes … It is not lost on me that her HUSBAND works in morning RADIO and she watches morning TELEVISION instead. But hey .. she cleaned the toilets on Sunday so I can’t complain). Anyway … that’s all those stupid shows talk about this time of year …

“Hey what’s your New Year’s Resolution?”

“Here’s how to stick to your New Year’s Resolution”

Blah, blah blah.

I swear to you … When I’m King of Zackmerica, the term “New Year, New You” is going to be banned, and you go to prison if you say it.

You know … I’m starting to think New Year’s Resolutions were invented by these shows just so they had something to talk about once Christmas was over.

And they’re all so ridiculous … “I’m gonna change. I’m gonna be a different person.”

I got news for you … No you're not. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE!

How about just accept that and just get out there and be yourself? Heck ... I think even Oprah agrees with me on that one!

And at the very least … how about we do this … Let’s make some resolutions that we can actually keep. Quit smoking, lose a hundred pounds, make a million dollars … Yeah … you probably ain’t doing any of those. Face it.

Instead … here’s some suggestions of realistic resolutions you can actually do ...

Realistic Resolution #1: If you’re going to take a break from Facebook ... Actually take a break from Facebook. AND … don’t be running your mouth about it. Just do it.

People who announce “Just wanna let everybody know I’m taking a break from Facebook” … They never actually take a break from Facebook.

One week later they're back on “Just reminding everybody … I’m still taking a break from Facebook.”

Oh baloney … now you’re just being a creepy lurker, spying on everybody else in your life, to try and figure out what they say about you when they think you’re gone. And they always hide behind the whole “I’m just sick of the drama.” You ARE the drama! The only people who say stuff like that are the ones that are always causing the drama in the first place. You know says "I'm not crazy?" Crazy people. This is the same rule here.

Realistic Resolution #2: Stop having what I call “The impossible one-sided conversation.”

These are the people who … Now you’re just minding your own business and they’re reading something online or whatever it is and they’ll just randomly say something like …

“Well that’s interesting.”

What? What’s interesting? I have no idea what you're talking about!

And they never provide follow up and make you drag it out of them. My wife will do this where she’s looking at something on her phone and she'll just say “That’s funny.”

And then she’ll just leave. Don’t put that out there and then walk away! One-sided conversationer!

And Realistic Resolution #3: Now I know this is petty and ridiculous, but make a promise to the world that when you come up to a speed bump, just drive over the thing at a respectable speed and move on.


Front wheel … THEN ……………………… Back wheel.

Look, I’m not askin’ ya to go all Dukes of Hazzard airborne on these things, but you don’t have to go THAT ridiculously slow.

And don’t gimme the whole “I’m just trying not to do damage my car!” Because here's the deal ... I would totally understand if I saw a $100,000 Bentley doing this, but it’s never that. It’s always somebody in … well ... something that looks like my piece of car. Face it … our cars already stink … there’s nothing to protect here. You can slow down a little, but you don't have to go crazy.

There … real resolutions that you should actually be able to keep. You're welcome.

Till next time Diary, I say … Goodbye.