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Zack's Anger Diary: Today's X-Mas Decorations Are Tomorrows Garbage

December 15, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

Here we are … another year coming to a close ... as we bask in the glory that is the holiday season. And my advice to you, is to soak it in. Soak in the joy and wonderment that is the Christmas tree, and Christmas decorations, and Christmas lights.

Because soon … something truly magical is going to happen. When the calendar hits December 26th, all of these glorious things will become … instant garbage.

 

And it is amazing how fast it happens. It was beautiful yesterday, but now it's just gross. Sometimes, for me, it’s not even December 26th … I hit about two o’clock in the afternoon on Christmas Day and I hear a Christmas song and I’m instantly “UGHHHH … This? … We’re still on THIS? That whole holiday cheer thing?”

 

And it’s all of it … “Look at all the pretty Christmas lights on that house” immediately becomes "look at that sad tangled mass of wires and light bulbs." I don’t know if it’s just “Christmas Blindness” or something, but I swear I don’t notice a single extension cord in people’s yards until it hits December 26th. And then … they’re everywhere and they’re gross.

 

So again I say to you ... you better sit there and soak in all this magic before it’s turns into tomorrow’s ratty pile of trash that needs to be put in a box and shoved into the attic where nobody can see it for 11 more months.

 

Oh and Diary … since I’ve been listening to Christmas music for a month now … I’ve got a few more songs that are making me ask the tough questions.

 

Like in the song “Mary Did You Know?” … who do these people think they’re talking to?

 

I mean … here they are … all “Mary did you know … that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?” Followed by “Mary did you know … that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?”

 

OK … do they not think she gets it?

 

If I’m Mary, I’m like “ummmm … hello? Virgin birth here … You don’t think that maybe I don’t understand the significance of that? I gave birth in a manger … there was a gigantic star in the sky signaling to the angels that my kid was being born, and then these three wise dudes show up, gave me a bunch of gold and myrrh and stuff. So yeah … I think I get it that this is a pretty big deal.”

 

I mean Diary … this seems like very poor judgement by this singer to be telling a Momma how to be parenting her child. You ever try to do that? Me? No thank you!

 

I won’t even do it to a random woman in Wal-Mart, let alone the Virgin Mother of the Baby Jesus. Tell her how to raise HER kids? Uh-uh!

 

And one more song while we’re here … “Sleigh Ride.”

 

Now I do understand that times change and opinions of enjoyment of certain things can sometimes go away, because when they suggest that it’s “lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you,” I feel like it’s my duty to approach this honestly and admit that a sleigh ride is totally overrated and very rarely is it actually “lovely weather” for said “sleigh ride together.”

 

I’ve done ‘em, and it’s either one of two things …

 

#1 ... Freezing. It’s December at night for the love of God, and here you are sitting in an open-air carriage freezing your butt off while the icy breeze smacks you in the face. You know … there IS a reason why cars today now have things like doors and "rooves" … climate control is enjoyable.

 

Or …

 

It's #2 ... Where it ain’t cold at all, and actually it’s a little TOO warm. Because what happens during this warmer time? Warm horse smell. Don’t get me wrong, I love a horse, but I also prefer to choose a mode of transportation that doesn’t sit me directly behind a couple of horse butts with no escape or air filter. Double up on the hot horse farts while you're trapped in the box behind.

 

You know what? No. No sleigh ride for me. I’m good.

 

But anyway … Diary .. Let me just say Merry Christmas and a Merry New Year. I’ll see you in January when we’re all mad because we’re back at work, and work sucks, and the gym is too stinkin’ crowded, and we're all just eating lettuce. Whooptie doo!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

 

 

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