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Zack's Anger Diary: Home Alone and Other Xmas Movies

December 8, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

‘Tis the season for all things Christmas and that is fine with me. I love it all. Christmas music, Christmas parties, and of course … Christmas specials on TV. Definitely love those. Well … most of those. Do NOT get me started on Frosty the Snowman.

 

“Happy Birthday!”

 

It’s NOT your birthday you fat snowman! Tt’s Jesus’ birthday. You be quiet!

 

OK … but my grudge with Frosty is well documented. This time I’d like to explore some other classic holiday movies that I LOVE … but still ... I got some issues.

 

Like the movie “Elf” … No doubt a modern classic. Honestly, it might now be my favorite Christmas movie of all time. But every time I watch it when it gets to the end … and Buddy the Elf is helping out Santa in the park and everybody is watching it unfold during the news report … I can’t help but think to myself …

 

Here it is … Christmas Eve. And I’m supposed to believe that all these kids are snuggled up in their beds watching the news? The news????

 

Have you seen the news lately? I’m a grown-ass man and I’m afraid to watch the news in my OWN bed. You think these parents are gonna let THEIR kids watch the news in their bed? No thank you! And even if the parents don't know, never once has my daughter said, "Dad can I watch the news?"

 

Or like in “Christmas Vacation” … another great movie …

 

But when the Griswolds hike out into the woods and pick out this gigantic million-foot-tall Christmas tree and Rusty says “Hey Dad … did you bring the axe?” and they realize they got no axe … Exactly how DO they get that tree out of the ground? They’re driving home and the tree still has it’s gigantic root system attached. So with no axe … no shovel … and frozen ground underneath a foot of snow … they still got that tree. What’d they … yank it out with their rugged bare hands and drag that thing all the way back to the car? The base of that tree alone has gotta weigh 150 pounds.

 

But let's move on ... because the one I want to look at in particular today is “Home Alone” …

 

I mean, there’s a whole laundry lists of questions that should be asked by Child Protective Services to this family that somehow manages to leave their tiny child alone … two Christmases in a row mind you. And the police … they go knock on the door one time … “Oh well. Nobody answered. That’s good enough for us!”

 

Um … I think if I was the parents … I’d ask them to go back and knock again!!

 

And speaking of the parents … What the heck does this Dad do for work where he can afford to fly the entire massive family to Paris for Christmas? You can’t even get a flight to Detroit for less than $400 anymore … and he’s flying like a dozen people to EUROPE.

 

Oh and the bonus kick in the teeth for everybody else on the plane … yeah … we have this gigantic, unruly family that’s really loud and annoying. Oh, but Mom and Dad are gonna go ahead and sit in first class while you losers in coach have to deal with all of them. Those two are jerks!

 

Alright, but let’s go back to our little friend Kevin … who’s home all alone with these mean ol’ burglars. Burglars who cased the neighborhood, and know exactly what houses to rob. That’s another thing … the one burglar is so proud of himself that he can show off … “Look … this house is gonna have their lights on right … NOW. And then … wait for it … the next house ...NOW.”

 

Oh OK … so every house in the neighborhood just happened to put their lights on timers that conveniently go off ten seconds apart from each other?

 

“Hey Bill … I’m gonna set my lights for 6:17. You go ahead and set yours for 6:17 and ten seconds. And then Neal down the street will set his for 6:17 and 20 seconds. That's a great idea!”


So then all the hilarious antics of Home Alone and Home Alone 2 take place, and the whole time I think to myself … How are these two criminals not dead?

 

Especially in Home Alone 2. Have you seen that thing?

 

My kids were watching it over the weekend, and at one point the two of them fall from a building three stories … and then crash through metal scaffolding as they crash into the basement. And then … as if that wasn’t enough … two dozen full paint cans fall from the top of the building and land on their face.

 

And what do they do? Well of course they get right back up and chase after that mischievous little Kevin. I mean .. how do they not at least have a concussion? You watch a football Sunday now and there's at least five guys IN HELMETS that have to stop playing because of a concussion. These guys? They're perfectly fine.

 

And I’m not even pointing out the fact that they’d already been abused like ten times before this happened … and still … strong enough to keep going. Who are these cyborgs?

 

Ahh but in the end … Little Kevin saves the day. He's reunited with his parents, and all is forgiven.

 

I mean really Kev … ALL is forgiven? Your lousy family forgot you on Christmas … TWICE!!!! Oh that’s OK son, Dad can afford to put us all up in a two-story hotel room at the Plaza in New York City at the last minute on Christmas Eve. Again ... what does he do for work?

 

This Dad is freakin’ loaded … which I mean let's all be honest with ourselves right now … I love the actress that played the Mom and all … but if he’s that rich … she and her frumpy short haircut thing ... that got kicked to the curb a long time ago and Daddy would have himself a Melania Trump-lookin’ wife by now. Just sayin’

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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