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Zack's Anger Diary: Leftover Daredevils

December 1, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

This is one of those times where … when you look at the calendar … you realize we need to come together as a people. Put our difference aside … join hands … and pray. Pray for those brave individuals who risk their own personal safety, to still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers today. Cuz those daredevils are insane!

 

Hey I get it … Thanksgiving food is delicious. And Thanksgiving leftovers are great too, but we are now almost SIX days past that delicious bounty. And before you get all “Zack can’t count, it’s not that many days.” Look here bucko … that food was made the morning of Thanksgiving. Heck, some of it was probably made the night before, but even if it was that morning we’re talking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday … Day 6.

 

I'm sorry, but the Diarrhea-O-Meter risk factor has gone too high for me. Not worth it.

 

“But it’s my Grandma’s stuffing.”

 

Yeah … sure … that deliciously absorbent tub of wet bread and eggy goodness. That … oh by the way … probably sat out on the table for a solid six or seven hours ON Thanksgiving. Just festering right in the Germ Zone. And growing spores of naughty little things that wanna tear up your insides.

 

Just say no.

 

“It’s my body. It I wanna take the risk, that’s on me.”

 

Sure … that may be true. But your body also ends up with unfortunate results and stenches that affect the rest of us.

 

Leftovers. Three days. Done.

 

Non-negotiable. Unless you wanna knock it down to one or two … that’s the only place that we have wiggle room.

 

So I'm gonna tell you right now ... if you're at work today and you see Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, you are legally allowed to throw them away without any repercussion. You are doing it for the safety of all of us.

 

OK … moving on Diary …

 

I’ve learned something in my parenting adventures … I HATE CANDY.

 

And not “Oh I love Snickers, but I hate Twizzlers. Or I hate lollipops, but I love Kit Kats.” No … I hate it all. Has nothing to do with individual tastes … it just has to do with its very existence in my house this time of year.

 

It, of course, starts with Halloween … where the children manage to haul in giant bags of sugary goodness from their trick or treating. And then every day, all I hear about is their candy.

 

“Where’s my candy?”

 

“When can I have another piece?”

 

“Can I hold the bag?”

 

“I just wanna count it.”

 

NO! Go away you little addict!

 

Fast forward a month fighting that battle every day, and here we are FINALLY getting to the bottom of these evil little candy bags. And then … Christmas Parade. You know ... the place where everybody else in town dumps their leftover candy onto unfortunate saps like myself, who have to helplessly stand by and watch their children’s candy reserves build right back up to their evil Halloween levels.

 

And even better that now it’s everybody else’s crappy candy leavins … so it’s not even stuff worth stealing to eat when they go to bed.

 

Ugh … so sick of candy.

 

I guess if there’s a silver lining in all this, it’s that finally there’s some reason to look forward to sucky January when everybody eats giant bowls of diet lettuce or whatever, and all the pieces of candy are finally eradicated.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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