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Zack's Anger Dairy: The Great iPhone Conspiracy

November 3, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

I’m here today to blow the whistle on a conspiracy. And we are ALL involved whether we like it or not. And thing that really stinks is that a lot of us KNOW we’re involved, but we are powerless and let it happen anyway. And the conspiracy is simple … everything we buy is crap.

 

Now it’s not crap when we buy it, it’s the greatest thing in the history of things. But the minute a newer version of that thing is released … ours is now “instant crap.”

 

For example, I have an iPhone … 5. Which as you may remember from like a year ago, was "the greatest thing in the history of things." I think that was even a quote from excited Apple CEO guy when they released the phone. Yeah … well now they’re on iPhone 6’s, and my phone stinks.

 

And before I go any further, don’t you Android phone people get all Droidy on me, your stuff turns to crap too the minute a new version is released. We are all on the same team in this one … Team Gettin’ Screwed.

 

OK back to my phone … Let me give you an example …

 

The entire time I've owned my iPhone 5, I’ve really had no problem with it whatsoever. Until the second after they announced the new iPhone 6S (and also announced that they ain’t makin’ no 5’s no more). The next DAY I think to myself, “Hey … My battery seems to be dying a little bit quicker all of a sudden.”

 

Hmmmmmm … I wonder if there was some sort of announcement that just happened for a newer more expensive phone from like … say .. yesterday? Oh look! A flyer in the mail from my cell phone provider letting me know that I can upgrade my phone if I want to … hmmmmmmm …

 

And it’s spiraling downhill like crazy. The other day my phone was on 19% battery. OK … that’s low, but it also implies that I still have one-fifth of my battery left. I mean, when it’s at 99%, nobody’s freaking out that “oh my God it’s going to drop to 80% soon!”

 

That's not a worry we have. So I should be fine, right? Wrong!

 

One text. All I wanted to do was send one text to my wife to let her know I was on my way home. And before I could hit “send,” phone turns off with the little R.I.P. battery sign popping up. So 19% to zero ... in two seconds.

 

Conspiracy! And we’re all gettin’ hosed. It’s no coincidence that my phone has become instant crap.

 

Well guess what Apple? I ain’t givin’ in. I don’t care if I gotta stick a charger up my butt 24-7 to keep this thing going … I will do it. I’m not buying the 6s!

 

And uh … yeah … it’s because I’m holding out for the more awesomer and more expensive iPhone 7 when it comes out … so … ummm … that’ll show YOU!!!

 

Yep ... sucka.

 

Till next time Diary ... I say, goodbye.

 

 

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