Zack's Anger Diary: Butt Medicine

Dear Diary …

So ... my kid was sick over the weekend. He’s three … so it just stinks all around. I mean, totally ruinin’ my weekend having to take care of his sick little self. But beyond that, I mean OF COURSE as a parent you just hate to watch your little angel have to go thru with all that. While they lay there looking all helpless and miserable … totally reminds you of … well most women would say “reminds you of a grown man,” but whatever ladies you’re mean and you don’t bring us juice when we don’t feel good!

Anyway … back to the kids …

I will say that I am thankful for the fact that, for the most part, kids are troopers when they’re sick (at least my kids are). My son acted pretty normal most of the weekend. Even when his fever was 103 … still his same ridiculous self, bein’ all “blah boo blah” talking my ear off and running around the kitchen all crazy. But as soon as 103 hit 104 … all bets were off.

And that’s where the parental rage kicks in because right at the time that children need their medicine the most … they no longer wanna take it.

“No. I’m fine”

You are one million degrees and you are so worn down, your face looks like it’s melting. You are NOT fine. You need medicine.

“No. I don’t need it. I'm OK”

Look … I know it stinks … but just take the medicine and we can be done. When they’re little kids, it’s ONE TEASPOON for crying out loud. Just this tiny little thing, but man they can drag this torture along for an hour, even though it would take one second to swallow.

“No. No need”

Great. Now I have no choice. Now I gotta be the bad guy. The one that holds you down, shoves medicine in your mouth, probably causes repressed memories that will come out later when you grow up and blame me for everything that’s wrong in your life. But you need medicine, and it has to be done.

Oh but the fun doesn’t stop there, because nobody HAS to take medicine even when it’s stuffed in their mouth, Diary, not when you can just barf it back up onto the living room floor!

Child 2. Parent 0.

Oh and their ain’t no thrown up like post Cheez-Its throw up … WWAHHHH!!!!

OK so now one unscheduled bath later, child still needs medicine. So now we gotta go to DEFCON1 Diary … butt medicine. The dreaded suppository.

Any parents knows what I’m talking about. And if you don’t have kids, but were thinking some day you would, well this is the crap you need to know about that when they need their medicine, and they won’t take their medicine, you gotta [[[[VVVPPPP]]] … butt medicine. And trust me, I don’t wanna do it any more than you wanna get it.

So now my wife is on her way to the store to buy it and I am begging … Please ... PLLLEEEASE … Take your medicine. You don’t want what’s about to happen to happen. You can have anything you want ... ice cream, candy bars, fruit snacks, a new toy … ANYTHING!

“A new toy? Oh OK ... I'll take it.”


Alright you know what? Fine! I don’t care. It’s worth it, you can have a toy.

Which of course makes my daughter (who's been watching this whole thing) say … “Well how come Lennon gets a toy, can I….”


Yes … she got a toy too. But you know what? $40 lost in bribes is still better than butt medicine. Put THAT on a bumper sticker!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.