Dear Diary ...
I would say that this is a message for all kids listening to pay attention to, because I’m going to give them some words of wisdom that they can really use. However, I’m not going to say that.
Why? Because kids don't listen! Not that they don’t listen to this show … they do that, and I’m glad they do. But words of wisdom? Children don’t care about those!
They already know everything, Diary. And further … They think that we parents … we don’t know nothin’.
Like take my son … he’s three. The other day, he’s doing this thing where he’s in the living room and he’s declared that the back of the living room chair is “his slide” and he’s going to sort of fall/jump off of his makeshift creation of his. It’s a game he calls “The Slide,” that I like to call “Trip to the Emergency Room."
And I tell him … “Lennon, please don’t do that. You are going to fall and could really hurt yourself.”
“No I won’t!”
That is a kid’s response to everything … “No I won’t!” Well yes I know you don’t PLAN on falling and breaking your arm, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen. I mean … I say “I’m gonna eat healthy,” and then I polish off a half a pound of bacon. And Monica Brooks says things like “I’m not gonna get pregnant,” but doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.
Anyway … What do you think happens next? He falls. Of course he falls! Because jumping off the back of a chair is a recipe for disaster. So he falls on the floor jams his little wrist on the ground and now he’s crying to me “Daddy my arm!” Well of course your arm you dummy! You didn’t listen to me, and now your arm hurts.
And here’s the kicker with these kids … Five minutes later he stops crying and he’s climbing right back up onto the back of the chair to do “The Slide” again. What is wrong with you?
Exactly how hard do you have to hit your head in order to knock some sense into it? So what do you think happens next? He falls again. Of course he falls again! Slams his butt on the ground. I’m not even going to pretend to care this time. "Ahhhh ... WHY???" You know darn well why!
Look kids … I know you’re not gonna listen to me, but I’m gonna say it anyway. We parents aren’t as stupid as you may think we are. Nope ...they’re not listenin’. Nevermind ... just play the Whip and the Nene and call it a day.
OK … moving on Diary …
FaceTime. Or Skype. Or whatever video chat thing it is that you use.
That was always one of those technology Holy Grails back in the day. "Oh man … can you imagine if we ever have the technology to have live video chat … face to face … in real time? That’ll just be the best thing ever!"
Yeah well it’s here … and it’s not. I hate FaceTime. Cuz the problem is … nobody knows how to use it right.
For me … is supposed to be like a quick conversation … Like my mother lives in Massachusetts … “Hey wanna see the grandkids .. yup … there they are … OK bye!” That’s what FaceTime should be.
She, however, disagrees. She treats it like a regular phone call. Even though it is most definitely NOT a regular phone call. First of all … she just FaceTime calls. No warning … no “Hey can we FaceTime some time today?” sort of text. Just ... [[ring]] … FaceTiming youuuuu.
No … you cannot FaceTime unannounced! I gotta be seen on this thing. What if I look terrible? Like … when she called … and I looked terrible. I need prep time to sit in my makeup chair and look good for the stupid video call.
And second … when I finally did do this call .. She talked to my 6 year old daughter for 28 minutes. Who talks to a 6 year old for 28 minutes on anything … let alone FaceTime?
I’m sorry, but I cannot have a 28 minute face to face conversation with any human on this planet. Ever. I have a medical condition where I am physically unable to refrain from rolling my eyes at you when you’re annoying me. And every single person on earth is guaranteed to annoy me within a 28 minute span. It’s medical! It’s not in the Americans with Disabilities Act yet, but it will be some day darnit!
On a phone, I can just do it. And you don’t know, and we can continue. FaceTime? You gotta see it. That’s not good for anybody involved.
Stupid FaceTime. That's one of things where when you don’t have it, you THINK you want it, but then when you actually get it, it was a really bad idea. Like a threesome. “Aw yeah .. that’ll be GREAT ... two chicks at the same time!” Next thing you know your wife don’t like you anymore and she’s running off to live with her sexy bisexual friend that just “knows me so much better than you ever could.”
Hope it was worth it!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.