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Zack's Anger Diary: Morning People

August 25, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

Every work day when my alarm goes off at 3:45am, the first thing that pops into my head is ….

 

{{{Oh My God … Why So Early?}}}

 

As you can see Diary … I am not a morning person.

 

Never have been.

 

Even as a tiny child … I wanted to stay up late and sleep in in the morning. My daughter pops up first thing in the morning like fresh toast … bouncing out of the top of the toaster. Me? I might’ve been one of the only kids on Earth already begging “Just gimme five more minutes” while I was in kindergarten.

 

Not surprisingly, at age 5, one of my favorite beverages was also coffee. I think my Mom thought it was cute that I wanted just a little spoonful. But oh no ... I NEEDED it

 

But let’s get back to this morning people thing …

 

Yes I know … It’s wonderfully ironic and hilarious that this here night owl ended up with a job that even makes the crack of dawn say, “Oh man, you’re up at THAT time?”

 

But whatever … I accept it. I’m not sad or mad about it. Yes I’d rather be sleeping, but it is what it is, and I’ll deal.

 

That said … Morning people … Those of you that do like getting up bright and early … Why do you have to be so … “You?”

 

As a non-morning person, I wanna just chill ... get some coffee … and get into the day.

 

Morning people want to [[SINGING]] EXPLODE onto the morning!!!

 

God yesterday I walk into the studio … and as I’m sure you could tell I work with a morning person … I get …

 

“Get in here!!!! YOU … WONDERFUL YOU!!!!! Come on IN! HAP-PY DAY!!!!!! FRIEND-LY FRIEND!!!!!”

 

Don’t make me kill you. I don’t wanna go to prison, the food is terrible there. And you gotta wake up too early!

 

Just dial it down.

 

And the response from morning people is always the same “Whatever … I’m happy. I’m just bringing you JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Look here Sunshine and Rainbows … it’s fine if you wanna be like that … I applaud you for feeling that way, but don’t you go trying to force me to feel that way too. It's just not gonna happen.

 

And really this goes for a lotta things in life … Just cuz you feel a certain way or believe a certain thing, you’re absolutely entitled to that, but you also don’t need to be forcing it on everybody else.

 

You don’t see me jamming bacon into the mouths of vegetarians, do you? And yet you get plenty of them saying, "well out of respect for my vegetarian beliefs could you please not eat meat in front of me?"

 

Actually no … no I will not honor that.

 

You do you. And I’ll do me.

 

Alright that sounds dirty, but … shut up … it’s too early for me to come up with anything else!

 

OK … moving on Diary …

 

This is a public service announcement to you people out there who have terrible ideas and requests … Stop trying to rope the rest of us into your bad plans. You know they’re bad plans, and you’re trying to force us into being a part of them.

 

Here’s what I’m talking about … Let’s say you have a “friend” who wants you to help them move. And I say “friend” in quotes, because real friends don’t ask you to help them move, but that’s for another day.

 

So this “friend” says … Hey can you help me move on Saturday?

 

And you politely say “Oooh … Sorry … I would love to, but I have plans that day. Can’t make it.”

 

Well what these evil people do is say …

 

“Oh that’s alright … We can do Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. Really any day for the next 3 weeks. Just let me know what works for you.”

 

You evil … EVIL … person! Now you’re stuck helping them move a gigantic armoire and there’s no gettin’ out it.

 

I hope you’re happy you devious bad plan person because when this is done. So are you. Friendship … OVER!

 

That might be extremem, but that’s what we gotta do … cut these people out of the circle. It’s the only way they’ll learn their lesson.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

 

 

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